by Franz Liszt

Hi there, I'm the ghost of Hungarian composer Franz Liszt, and boy am I Hungary! Ha ha, get it? Seriously, though, I really am hungry. I've been dead since 1886. That's a long time to go between meals. You'd think ghosts wouldn't get hungry, but you'd be wrong. Very, very wrong.

Still don't know who I am? Really? Because a lot of people consider me the greatest piano virtuoso of all time. Hey, THEY said it, not me. I'm not trying to brag here. I INVENTED the symphonic poem, man. I wrote Mephisto's Waltz. Ring any bells? No? How about Liebestraume? You haven't? Fine! You know that song Bugs Bunny plays when he's trying to kill the mouse inside his piano? I wrote that. Sheesh, get a little culture, people!

No, Archduke Ferdinand I am NOT talking to you. I'm talking to the people reading this comedy website that I... Website. It's on computers. People connect them to... You don't know computers? God, you died WAY after I did! Try to keep current, man.

Sorry about that, folks. Anyway, if there's one thing I loved more than the piano, composing, or fried bologna sandwiches, it's numbered humorous items under a common category. I can't get enough of them! That's why I've been asked to be your host for this lists section of capnwacky.com. Between sessions of being lashed with flaming whips by cackling demons and being made to listen to Andrew Lloyd Weber musicals in the fiery pits of Hell, I'll be compiling the finest comedy lists I can for your delight and merriment here.

And maybe, in return, one of you will find a way to send me a delicious sandwich. I'd even settle for just a slice of bologna! Please, I beg you!

OK, I've got to go now, but I'll be back with new lists soon. Check back often and don't miss the non-list comedy on the rest of capnwacky.com

Seriously, without me there would be NO Debussy OR Schoenberg. They're standing on my shoulders, man! What? You've never heard of them either? Oy.

Snooki in Disney World

Ways to Ask Your Barber to Cut Your Hair Like Justin Bieber's

Little-Known Facts About McGruff the Crime Dog

Steven Tyler's Post-AeroSmith Plans

Titles of Famous Works of Literature If They'd Been Written By Stan Lee

Things We're Looking Forward To When the Polar Ice Caps Melt

Ideas for Saving Newspapers

Questions I Have About the General Mills Cereal Monsters

Lesser-Known Presidential Candidates

Rejected Summer Olympic Sports

Things President Bush Wants to Get Done During His Last Year in Office

Signs We Should've Picked Up On that Dumbledore was Gay

Why Are You a Ghost?

Pulled-Quotes From Reviews Unlikely To Make You Want To Go See a Movie

Surprises About the New iPhone

Conspiracy theories involving Bea Arthur

Worst Ideas for a Comedy List

Reasons Paris Hilton Was Sent Home Early From Jail

Pirates' Pet Peeves

How Nerds Are Celebrating Star Wars' 30th Anniversary

Rejected Prom Themes

Surprises in the New Spider-Man Movie

Country Music Songs for Nerds

Jokes That Would Be Offensively Racist if Cupcakes Were a Minority Group In Addition to Being a Delicious Baked Good

April Fool's Day Pranks In A World Populated Entirely By Robots

Video Games We Wish We Could Buy

Titles in "The Silly Little Kitty" Line of Children's Books

Excerpts From the Sales Brochure of the World's Worst Cruise Line

Signs Your Astronaut Friend Might Be Going Nuts

Valentine's Day Practices on the Klingon Homeworld

Dude, How Did You Break Your Arm?

Signs That the Person You're Dating May Secretly Be Canadian

Not Terribly Intimidating Battle Cries

Supervillains, What Are Your Plans For Ruining Christmas?

Cable TV Holiday Programming

Mafia Christmas Traditions

Specials Fox Is Planning To Follow "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened"

What the Family is Thankful For

Losing Candidates' Campaign Slogans

Complaint Letters to a Haunted House

Questions the Invisible Man is Tired of Being Asked at Parties

Monsters, What Are YOU Afraid Of?

What Happened to the Members of the Expedition that Entered the Cursed Tomb of the Mummy

Additional Methods Not Specifically Cited by Paul Simon in "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover"

Memos Uncovered from the Offices of NBC (c. 1969) of Slogans Engineered to Renew Viewer and Advertiser Interest in Star Trek

Reasons the Band Broke Up

Overheard at the County Fair

Surprise Twist Endings

Upcoming Air Travel Passenger Regulations

Song Titles in Batman: The Musical

Unlikely Movie Sequels

Less Popular Bumper Stickers

Unusual eBay feedback

A Busted Bigamist's Excuses

Passages You Don't Want To Read In the Review of Your Band's Latest Gig

What Other Vegetables Do

Unexpected Deductions

Things the Easter Bunny Really Hates

Things That Were Written on a Page from The Notebook of the Guy Who Came Up With the Aphorism “I Wept That I Had No Shoes Until I Met A Man With No Feet.”

Other Places Parents Tell Children that Babies Come From

April Fool's Day Pranks on Eternia

Items on Lex Luthor's To-Do List

Questions a Leprechaun is Sick of Being Asked at Parties

What's Your Ring Tone and Why?

Titles of Forbidden Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Adventures

Newspaper Headlines in the Smurf Village

Dick Cheney's Excuses

Rejected Winter Olympic Sports

What Cupid Hates

Topics That Might Be Discussed and Celebrity Comments That Might Be Made If VH1 Ever Made I Love the 40s

Other Embellishments in James Frey's "A Million Little Pieces"

Unsung Heroes of Star Trek

Holiday Traditions in An Alternate Universe In Which Dinosaurs Still Roam the Earth

Titles of Less-Popular Christmas Specials

Questions Santa Claus is Sick of Being Asked at Parties

Rejected King Kong Merchandising Tie-Ins

Titles of Harry Potter Fanfics We'd Rather Not Read

Other Ways Famous People Might've Died If They Hadn't Died the Way They Actually Did Die

Deleted Scenes Not Included in the Star Wars Episode III DVD

Articles Featured in Witches World Weekly Magazine

Titles of Ineffective Ghost Stories

Signs That You May be a Werewolf

Other Baby Names Nicholas Cage Considered

Questions Frankenstein's Monster is Sick of Being Asked at Parties

Things to Do in the Last Moments of Your Life After You've Noticed Your Parachute Just Didn't Open

Ways to Boost Canadian Tourism

Forgotten Broadway Musicals

What We're Not Calling Our Hot Dog Stand

Phrases that Sound Like Clichés Even Though Probably No One Has Ever Said Them Before

Real Reasons Gas Prices Have Gotten So High

Unpopular Breakfast Cereals

Reasons Why March of the Penguins is the Suprise Hit of the Summer

New Holiday Traditions For Christmas in July

Alternate Headlines for James Doohan's Obituary

Signs Your Kid Spends Too Much Time Reading Harry Potter Books

Guinness World Records No One Wants to Break

Catch Phrases the Human Torch Toyed with Before Settling for "Flame On!"

Patriotic Fourth of July Dishes

Liberals Can Be Patriots Too Meals: Dishes from Democrats and Responses To Them From Senator Thaddeous Rustaker (R, Georgia)

Grievances I Have with Lamp Dealers

Ways to Boost Zoo Attendance

Things Batman Does to Keep Busy While Waiting for Crimes

Helpful Advice From Tom Cruise

Selected Items at My Jimmy-Buffett-Themed Restaurant Chain Which Will Oepn Next Year and Will Not Be Named "Margaritaville"

Last Lines Not Spoken in TV Season-Ending Cliffhangers

Additional Reasons Jabba the Hutt Hates Han Solo

Changes Lucas Plans to Make the Next Time He Updates Star Wars

Star Wars Television Spinoffs

Listing of Classes Available at the Jedi Academy

Alternate Star Wars Subtitles

George W. Bush's secret enemies list

Hollywood's least-employed stuntmen

Rejected new pope names

Hollywood pairings

Would they make good Vulcans?

Two Lists: If Frank Capra had been diagnosed as severely depressed & If Neil Simon had been a serial killer

TV Guide listings on the Planet of the Apes

Bad ideas for Shakespeare adaptations

Other ways to trick B.A. Baracus onto an airplane

Upcoming American Idol theme weeks

Martha Stewart's plans on the outside

Things I needed to know that I did not learn in kindergarten

Storm safety tips

Viva l'America!

Questions bats are tired of being asked at parties

Sentences written for the school vocabulary list by a student obsessed with tacos but not very good at vocabulary

The Cap'n's BBQ tips

Motown- Ghost town

Upcoming George W. Bush theme weeks

Titles of movies starring two guys who are always hungry and raising the ire of stuffed shirts