By BEN FLASTER, BRODIE H. BROCKIE, LEONARD PIERCE, and CALAMITY JON MORRIS
Passengers will no longer be allowed to bring their own bombs, but instead must purchase them from the airport's own Bombatorium (naturally marked way up above typical retail bomb value).
To reduce the likelihood of liquids being smuggled into planes, passengers will be required to empty their bladders in front of an airline official with a camera (also, by purchasing your ticket, you agree to use of your photograph to be uploaded to flyingthegoldenskies.com).
Passengers may not use their air travel experiences as fodder for their stand-up comedy routine.
Security may, at their discretion, verify a woman's junk in said trunk.
All women with beehive hairdos will be escorted to security, where their hair will be searched, then updated to a reasonably fashionable ensemble'.
To help prevent any form of liquid on board, the new Penguin policies requires all henchmen, cronies and stoolies be transported in dehydrated form.
All security will be required to wear Dr. Scholl's insoles, to better identify any passengers who might be "gellin'".
TSA respectfully requests that all passengers "get those motherf-in snakes off the motherf-in plane".
In the event of an explosion, passengers/surviving family members will receive a pro-rated refund based on mileage traveled before incident.
Passengers will be required to check themselves before they wreck themselves.
All devices, magical or otherwise, used for storage of items in excess of the device's physical dimensions are hereby prohibited from check-in. This includes, but is not limited to: bags of holding, Shaman's pouches, nanny carpetbags, gorilla backpacks, and afros.
Passengers claiming to see gremlins on the wing tampering with the engines will be hauled off to the loony bin upon landing as Rod Serling smugly explains their fate to the home viewer.
If you kids don't pipe down back there, pilot will turn this plane around and head back to (airport of original departure)
For all flights out of Hollywood, all female passengers weighing more than 115 lbs will be required to purchase an additional adjacent seat.
Any male passenger that is identified by security as having a "purty mouth" will be separated for additional searches.
Firearms, explosives, incendiary devices and knives with blades over three inches must be placed in a clear plastic bag before boarding.
Passengers whose names begin with "Al" will be allowed to board normally. Passengers whose names begin with "al-" will not.
Anyone wishing to bring liquids on board the plane will be required to taste them beforehand. Unless it's Pepsi One, in which case TSA officials will be forced to confiscate it, because that shit is vile.
Pre-boarding for passengers with special needs will not be permitted if the "special need" is "I need to plant my bombs without anyone seeing me".
Question #34E of the passenger screening questionnaire is not meant ironically.
All in-flight movies will star Tim Allen, to gently lull everyone to sleep.
All passengers to fly buck naked with no luggage.
Passengers no longer allowed on airplanes.
Additionally, passengers will no longer be allowed anywhere near airplanes or airports, or outside of homes. Homes to be relocated to central location at bottom of deep pit, pit to be filled with concrete, for safety purposes.