By RJ WHITE, GUTBLOOM, BEN FLASTER, BRODIE H. BROCKIE and DUNCAN PFLASTER
"Somebody get over to the petting zoo and let 'em know we're outta corn dog meat."
"Hey- here's a whole bin full of extra ride parts they didn't use."
"The trick to fooling the 'Guess Your Weight' guy is to eat a bunch of nickels right before you go up there."
"I don't know if common law applies to that, but I want my pig back."
"Hurry up! The demo derby starts in ten minutes, and I want to see your mother compete."
"It's okay, but it's no state fair."
"Come quick! They're trying to batter and fry an entire cow on a stick!"
"I've only been here one hour and have seen the miracle of animal birth forty-three times."
"I just saw a state senator milk a goat."
"I think the butter Lincoln turned out better than the butter Roosevelt this year- Hm? No, no- The Teddy."
"My sister's the new fair queen since Betty Jones got disqualified for what she and Geoff Tanner did on the Tilt-A-Whirl!"
"Hey, the've got defibralators hooked up on the back of the elephant ear trailer this year. Nice!"
"You wanna go see the tractor pull or Hootie and the Blowfish?"
At the petting zoo: "If that's a llama, what the heck am I raising in my backyard?"
"I don't even bother with the Ferris Wheel anymore unless I'm high on exhaust fumes. Which I am."
"Well excuse me for thinking that the contest was more about baking pies than showing off your clevage."
"Burt Ward?!? I didn't know they were going to have you at the fair! What? Oh, yes, I would like extra cinnamon on my elephant ear."
"That's not the world's biggest rat. That's a nutria."
"Sunscreen? Who ever heard of putting on sunscreen at a fair? I'll put my tank top back on if it will make you happy."
"That's Some Pig!"
"So I say to her, 'Don't pull the kissing cousins card, woman; you're still my wife, and you'll make me corn fritters if I want 'em!'"
"Note to self: Do not eat 7 chili dogs just before going on the bumper cars".
"I like to get here early before the smell of vomit is too overwhelming."
"If I've seen a prettier memorial portrait of Dale Earnhardt made out of macaroni noodles, popsicle sticks, and real human hair, I don't remember when."
"Now honey, I'm sure the state wouldn't let them operate these rides if they weren't safe for children to go on."
"It was dark, but nothing was scary until we noticed that one of the graveyard figures was really just a guy taking a leak. "
"What part of that ride had anything to do with the words 'fun' or 'house'?"