By BRODIE H. BROCKIE, DUNCAN PFLASTER, BEN FLASTER, and DAVID ANDREWS
Run more photos of Timmy Goshen - his grandmother buys copies for practically everyone she knows!
Publish more reports about how reading your news online will give you "eye-AIDS."
Put addictive chemicals in the ink.
Bribe fashion-forward celebrities to appear at fancy award shows wearing newspaper hats.
Point out that newspapers are cheaper than wrapping paper, especially around the holidays and/or global economic meltdowns.
Publish only once a year to build up demand.
Sponsor paper-boat races on the river.
Get all stupid and inflammatory and sexed-up, and then lie about celebrities, and sell your paper in the check out aisle at the supermarket.
Run a multi-part, how-to kidnapping guide, including rich people’s addresses and security codes, to create a growing market in cut-out ransom notes.
Find cheaper paper to use, possibly one made of leaves and dog hair.
Cost reduction: To save ink, print only every other letter.
Cost reduction: Only print title block, then steal competing newspapers each morning and glue your name on it
Spend $10 million to hire CEO to implement brilliant cost reductions that will save newspaper $2 million
Give away a bunch of parakeets, increasing demand for cage-liner.
Complete emergency expansion of company, making newspapers "too big to fail", and watch the free money roll in
Develop gravity lens that allows you to see through time. This will allow you to print the news in advance in China for cheap, and ship it on a boat just in time to distribute on the day the news happens.
Get newspapers to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.
Hold pillow over Newspapers' face until they stop struggling, then throw water fountain through window and run off over hillsides.
More local coverage: not just increasing quantity, but also proximity - with headlines like "What That Smell Is" and "Why Is That Guy Talking So Loud? Hearing Problems?"
Solution to high personnel and benefits costs: Oompah Loompahs.
Save money on reporting, composing, and printing costs by publishing the exact same generic stories every day: Unrest in the Middle East! Britney Spears in embarrassing photos! George W. Bush in embarrassing press conference!
Replace delivery boys with delivery BABES.
Make sure really interesting news stories are always "To be continued" in the next edition.
More pictures of sleeping puppies?
Make every issue a 'special commemorative issue.'
Cap'n Wacky print-only editions.
Print something people want to read.
Stack them in manageable piles, tie them up with twine, and place in garage.