By CALAMITY JON MORRIS, MANNING KRULL, BEN FLASTER, and BRODIE H. BROCKIE
Miles driven in reverse.
Income received from buying alcohol for minors.
Second desserts at AppleBee's.
Fishing line, when used for non-fishing purposes.
Jell-O and/or pudding, when purchased for "charity events".
Birthday phone calls to aunts, uncles, and grandparents.
Portion of money spent on pencils related to eraser wear.
Scarves between eighteen and twenty-four inches, mufflers over sixteen but less than thirty-six, Doctor Who fan costumes in their entirety.
Expenses related to repelling robot invaders.
Purchase of Star Trek: Original Series, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Star Trek: Voyager DVD collections (Star Trek films, Next Generation and Enterprise DVD sets are automatically deducted by your employer and included in your W-2).
Paint cans used to huff fumes while writing comedy lists.
Cost of saliva used to seal envelope.
After 7 years, Suzie deducting herself from my life. That bitch.
Laser removal of tattoos incurred in the workplace.
The murderer was actually an orangutan.