By BEN FLASTER, GUTBLOOM, BRODIE H. BROCKIE, and CALAMITY JON MORRIS
"I guess I figured two ugly wives was kind of equal to having one pretty one."
"You think this is bad, you should see my three wives in Canada!"
"I didn't think you would mind"
"You were always complaining that I was out cheating with all kinds of other women so, out of respect for you, I settled down with just one other woman."
"You're missing the point. She can recane chairs."
"I had my fingers crossed during the wedding ceremony"
"Honey, she could be your twin; I got confused"
"Yeah, I married another woman, but what about that time you forgot my birthday?"
"This here is America, land of the free! If Michael Jackson is allowed to marry babies, I'm allowed to marry two ladies. That's what all them people died in Vietnam and Cambodia or whatever for. FREEDOM!"
"I understand that I am a sick man. One mother-in-law was not enough."
"The first one I bought from the back of a magazine but the second I got for free."
"Since you guys are best friends I'm not sure it's technically 'polygamy'."
"The good news is that we finally have the gravy boat for your china pattern. The bad news is I didn't get it until wife number four."
"You always said you wanted a sister."
"It's not a real marriage. She thinks it is, but we went to Bali and had a Hindu ceremony. The Indonesian government doesn't recognize Hindu weddings... so neither will England. Pretty crafty, huh? I learned it from Mick Jagger."
"I did it for the boys. They both said they wanted a mommy with fake breasts."
"Well, my dog gots two wives, so I guess that's nature!"
"Hey, one for each personality."
"It was an April Fool's Day prank that got a little out of hand."
"I wanted to have two kids! What else could I do?"
"Baby, I did this for you; I know how you've always wanted to be on Springer."
"If you're concerned that I'm not going to be at home enough, you're wrong. Candy just lives a few trailers over."
"They were small!"