By JUSTIN VIDOVIC, GUTBLOOM, DUNCAN PFLASTER, BEN FLASTER, DAVID ANDREWS, SEAN OSMAN, and BRODIE H. BROCKIE
"I thought he was trying to pull one of those Brokeback Mountains on me."
"He called me a dick."
"Intelligence assured me he was harboring weapons of mass destruction in his little hunting vest."
"Just to watch him die."
"Hey, everybody thought it was hilarious in 'Wedding Crashers.'"
"Oh, he'll be fine. We'll get Haliburton to put him back together... for a certain fee, of course."
"I thought our administration had established its position on tort reform."
"When you're blind drunk a 70 year old man looks an awful lot like a game bird."
"If you're afraid to pull the trigger when you think you have a shot then the terrorists have already won."
"I know this is a mistake, but it's not that big a deal. It's not like I was getting a hummer from an intern."
"I think it proves something I've said for a long time. Guns don't pepper people with bird shot, Vice Presidents do."
"It was a video game. A video game made me do that."
"Thank God he isn't on the endangered species list. If he was then I'd REALLY be in trouble."
"Notice how for all of their red tape and harm to business OSHA regulations didn't stop this accident from happening."
"I thought he was a big orange quail".
"I thought he was Dan Quayle".
"I missed my monthly reprogramming appointment."
"Dead quail carried by Whittington showed unmistakable signs of bird-flu."
"It was just a simple accident. This has nothing to do with any secrets he may possess about my past. And there most certainly was no file or photos found at the site of the accident."
"Sometimes my umbrella just goes off accidentally, commissioner. Weh weh weh weh."
"Ladies and Gentlemen of the press corps. What happened was a mistake. I merely pointed my hunting gun... like this... and pulled the trigger... heh heh... like this." (click click) "God damn it." (shuffle shuffle) "Hmph. Hmph! Hold still, Helen, so I can pistol whip you. Hey, come back here! Grrr, damn it. Hey! You! From NPR, c'mere. I want to explain what happened in the woods. I'll give you an exclusive, heh heh."
"Admit it: If anybody looks like a bird, it's Harry Whittington"
"How come nobody ever asks about the other two-dozen?"
"Time-honored crude-oil discovery technique, perfected by Mr. J. Clampett."
"Excuse? Explanation? Since when do I have to justify my actions?"