By BRODIE H. BROCKIE
I'd like it to look like I've just been struck in the side of the head with a water balloon.
Give me the full Bieber.
You know the bowl cut? I want the FISHbowl cut.
Can you style my hair in a way that makes it look like I'm getting a swirly at all times?
I want to look like I'm being swallowed by a Tribble.
Make me look like a Precious Moments figurine, but like, the cool one.
You know the combover? I want the combAROUND.
Make me look like I was Donald Trump would look if he were a little boy who was one of Richie Richie's best friends.
Hit me with the Bieb.
What can you do to me to make sure I'm given daily beatings in the playground?
I feel like I never look better than when I'm in mid-whirl on the Sit-and-Spin. Can you make me look like that all the time?
Bieb me up, Scotty.