Dear Neighbor,

Hello. I am your next-door neighbor. I'm sorry I have never formally introduced myself, but this is largely due to your having been murdered some 100 years before I was born.

I'm writing now to complain about the late-night noise. I'm not a prude, I understand that a "person" in your position sometimes feels the need to moan, howl, wail, rattle chains, bang doors, shriek, screech, etc. I'm just wondering if, instead of your usual schedule of channeling the sounds of all the torments of Hell from midnight to 4:00 a.m., if perhaps you'd be willing to do so from noon to 4 p.m. I know this is not the traditional haunting period, but hey, times change! If darkness is absolutely necessary for audibly expressing the agony of your eternal damnation, how about maybe 6 - 10 p.m.? I think that's a fair compromise. Some of us would like to sleep around here while we're still alive.

Also, stop with the Whitesnake records at full-volume. That's just being an ass.

your neighbor

Dear neighbor,

The blood regularly dripping from the walls of your home has been leaking into my rose bushes again. Please desist, or I shall be forced to call the EPA.

Your neighbor

Dear Haunted House residents,

Last weekend my girlfriend and I were out driving when I accidentally ran out of gas while out in the countryside. While walking back into town, we spotted your home and came in hoping to be able to use your phone. When we realized your house was abandoned, we went inside for shelter from the rain.

So there we were, the two of us alone in a big ol' house all to ourselves and what happens every time I try to put the moves on? We hear this voice moaning, crap like "waaaaaaait until maaaaaaaaaaarriage!" and "baaaaaaaaabies!" and "you don't know where that thing's beeeeeeeeeeeen!"

I've never heard of a ghost scaring someone's pants ON before. I hate you guys.


Dear Freaks,

I'd say you folks were going to hell, but I think you're all from hell and, unfortunately, you seem to be staying here in Pine Meadows. Look, I didn't complain when the villagers showed up with torches and destroyed my privet hedge, and I didn't say anything about the werebear crapping in my kid's sandbox, but if one more "paranomal investigator" bangs on my door while I'm watching "Dancing With the Stars" and asks to interview me about the your house I'm going to lose my freaking mind.


Dear Ghost-people,

Please stop leaving your haunted house, coming over to my house, and doing trying to do the "knock knock - who's there - boo - boo who? - why are you crying" joke. I'm sure it was hilarious to you that it worked once, but it's really not going to happen again.

not fondly,