By BRODIE H. BROCKIE, DUNCAN PFLASTER, BEN FLASTER, JUSTIN VIDOVIC and CALAMITY JON MORRIS
Take an axe to the head, Fred.
Let her catch you with a man, Dan.
Move in with your mom, Tom
Tell her she's fat, Pat
Change your name, get a fake passport, take all your money out of the bank, and flee to Jordan, Gordan.
Tell her you're through, Bartholomew
Give her the clap, Pap
Take back the jewel, Abdul
Just send her an E-mail, Ishmael
Say she's Elizabethan, Ethan
Have an affair, Javier
Encase her in carbonite and turn her into a mannequin, Anakin
Explain to her in a rational manner the various reasons you no longer consider staying in the relationship is the emotionally healthy thing to pursue, Lou.
Get a restraining ord-im-er, Mortimer.
Get a sex change operation, Christian
Hit on her sister, Mister
Get out in a hurry, Suri
Shave off all her hair, Pierre
Spike her drink with a roofie, Goofy
Blame it all on Frank Oz(ie), Fozzie.
Escape via Slip and Slide, Clyde.
Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.