By BRODIE H. BROCKIE, CALAMITY JON MORRIS, DUNCAN PFLASTER, and BEN FLASTER
Everyone knows that carrots are for good for your eyes, and spinach grants you super strength, but the specific qualities of these other vegetables have been less well-known. Until now.
Brussels sprouts - Make you a better Flamenco dancer.
Eggplant - Helps you to appreciate Robert Altman movies.
Kale - Go back two spaces.
Parsnip - Lessens remorse after killing.
Parsley- Sits around waiting for his agent to call with a job.
Corn - Causes irrational hatred of Broadway Musicals.
Asparagus - makes ears pointier, but does not improve hearing at all.
Jicama - Makes bunions gradually disappear.
Broccoli - Bumps any ticket to first class.
Sweet Peas - Good for obsessive love affairs.
Turnip- Increases rate-of-return on 401K.
Mushrooms- Causes temporary growth to giant height.
Beans, beans - Good for your heart.