Other Places Parents Tell Children that Babies Come From By Calamity Jon Morris, Gutbloom, John Muller, Brodie H. Brockie, Duncan Pflaster and Shek Baker

Babies R Us

The Matrix


Family aisle at Best Buy

South Korean laboratories


Sea monkey packet that we "overfed"

Daddy's other baby's momma

"From the cabbage patch" Please Note: if you use this you will have a lot of explaining to do. Today's youngsters are so alienated from the basics of agricultural production that you will have to describe:
a. What a cabbage is in its uncooked, unfrozen, unpicked form
b. The meaning of the word "patch" to refer to a small plot of land devoted to a single crop
c. The meaning of the word "crop"
d. How "land" is used to raise "crops"
e. How a child might be reasonably protected and hidden by the outer leaves of a head of cabbage
f. Who "Topsy" was (if you are silly enough to add, "like Topsy" at the end of "from a cabbage patch"

"When the duck with the green head and the duck with the brown head spend a lot of time together, the duck with the brown head lays eggs"

For boys, Mars. For girls, Venus.

In packs of twelve, from the supermarket.

1-800 number available in the Rolling Stones magazine advertising directory.

The Hurtful Place.


The cabbage patch. Alternatively, the running man, or even the robot.

From out of Spider-Man (requires further extrapolation)

"I don't know you little monster, but if you don't clean up this room, you're going right back!"


Kissing and making out.

That sonofabitch Brad Pitt.

"It's complicated, but basically my wiener hole."


The Tooth Fairy, as part of her long-term plan to feed her chronic baby-teeth habit.

The Internet.

Britney Spears.

Yo mamma.