By BRODIE H. BROCKIE, LEONARD PIERCE, CALAMITY JON MORRIS, JUSTIN VIDOVIC and BEN FLASTER
THE PARENT TRAP: STILL TRAPPIN'
Sharon and Susan McKendrik (Haley Mills) thought they had trouble getting their parents back together after they had gotten divorced. Now get ready for double trouble when the now 60 year-old identical twins want to get their parents back together after they've become deceased! Hubris and hi-jinks combine with hilarious results. Let's get together again!
EMPIRE PART 2
Andy Warhol brings you 24 more hours of a static shot of the Empire State Building.
LEONARD PART 7
CIA veteran Leonard Parker is brought in to train the next generation of operatives, who have to grow up quickly when they stumble upon an evil plot to reincarnate the Mongolian Horde.
HERBIE GOES APESHIT
Ninety minute romp featuring the berserk beetle in a cross-country spazz attack, starring Larry Storch, Hilary Duff, and some midgets.
Following the adventures of Capt. Willard after he returns stateside, Apocalypse Next finds our hero trying to muddle through the comedic misadventures of his two teenage sons, both of whom are dating Molly Ringwald. Meanwhile, a strange space-cult has sprung up around the late Col. Kurtz, and its devotees believe he fathered an alien child who will appear in a major metropolis and save humanity; and a crazed water buffalo is stalking Capt. Willard, who it blames for the death of its mate.
PI 2: E
Brilliant mathematician Maximilian H. Brockie, while studying negative exponential probability curves, determines the extent to which all unlikely events must inevitably occur. He is chased by stock analysts, religious doomsday whackos, and Cubs fans.
JOE VS. THE VOLCANO: ROUND TWO
Joe (Tom Hanks) is a man desperate and on the run from a revenge and Joe-hungry Volcano (John Goodman).
THE DAY THE CLOWN CRIED II: THE DAY THE CLOWN LAUGHED
Helmut Doork (Jerry Lewis), having survived his wartime experiences luring children into the gas chambers, is liberated by Allied soldiers at Auschwitz. One of them, Sgt. Francisco Petri, takes pity on the pathetic clown and pays his way to America, where Doork gets a job performing standup at a Catskills resort. The rest of the film deals with Nazi hunter Simon Weisenthal's post-war attempts to have him sent back to Germany so that they can kill him.
RETURN OF THE PASSION OF JOAN OF ARC
This sequel to Carl Dreyer's moving masterpiece about the martyrdom by fire of St. Joan is a smaller, quieter character study, in which several low-level functionaries argue for the film's entire running time over who is going to clean up the mess.
It turns out everybody lived.
BEN FOLDS 5
A happy lakeside reunion of surviving family members Kate, Steven, Uncle Walter, and Emaline turns bloody when Ben Folds returns... after a number of grizzly deaths, the fiend returns to hell appeased when Kate learns that he just wanted his god damned black t-shirt back.
TRIUMPH OF THE WILL 2: VENEZUELA NIGHTS
From Alfonso Cuarón, Director of "Y tu mamá también" comes this accolade of a documentary focusing on Hugo Chavez, his transformation of Venezuela, and the bright future of his country where anything is possible.
John Goodman returns as the unlikely malingerer-turned-monarch in this rollicking sequel to the 1991 original. Crash-landing on a primitive island during a goodwill tour of the royal commwealths, Ralph is rescued and worshipped by primitive savages. In between throwing virgins to the volcano god and cannibalizing visiting missionaries, Ralph delights with cam,py lounge numbers. Peter O'Toole reprises his role as Willingham, also dinner.
FREDDY GOT FINGERED -- AGAIN!
Tom Green stars in this much-anticipated sequel, but only for about eight minutes, after which the film is largely shots of cows humping as seen from a hot air balloon, and then pictures of adults with diaper rash. Ninety Minutes, rated R for some cow nudity and cow sexual acts.
THE RIDDLER ATE MY FINGERNAILS 2
He's at it again.
GRUMPY OLD ILSA, SHE-WOLF OF THE SS
Reprising her role, septuagenarian Dianne Thorne returns as a new resident in a wacky retirement home. All Ilsa wants after a career of Nazi medical tortures is to spend her golden years in peace, but little does she know that her wacky neighbors are the retired members of a crack American commando unit, last having seen action on Normandy Beach! Misadventures and mayhem abound.
THE GREAT LINCOLN LOG DEATH WAR II:
As there was never a first one, a second seems unlikely.
THE SEVENTH SENSE
Director M. Night Shyamalon and star Haley Joel Osment return to the story that made their careers. When he hits 18 years old, Cole Sear suddenly begins to develop new abilities and feels new strange sensations. In a shocking twist ending, Cole discovers this is just the very late onset of puberty.
SAVING PRIVATE RYAN AGAIN!
Danger-prone Private Ryan (Matt Damon) stumbles into World War II trouble again, this time in the picturesque South Pacific. The army hires a beautiful but mysterious gypsy (Catherine Zeta-Jones) to summon the ghost of Captain John Miller (the ghost of Tom Hanks) lead the rescue again!
Oh wait, what? No way!