By BEN FLASTER, DAVID ANDREWS, CALAMITY JON MORRIS, BRODIE H. BROCKIE and LIZ LENT
Princess Diana’s driver, Henri Paul, was drinking heavily in September 1997 due to the unhappy end to his love affair with Bea Arthur.
To date, Bea Arthur has killed 23 men with her bare hands in a continued effort to prevent the Chicago Cubs from winning the pennant.
The deaths of six million Jews at the hands of Bea Arthur during World War II? Never happened.
While they could never get the charges to stick, the FBI believes Frances Bavier and Dudley Moore worked as a team during the late 60s and early 70s to exploit their entertainment industry connections to get subliminal pro-communist messages into Hollywood movies. What the Feds could never figure out was who the duo was working for, but consider this: Bavier was most famous for playing The Andy Griffith Show's genial aunt BEA while Dudley Moore was most famous for playing lovable alcoholic ARTHUR. BEA ARTHUR!
Bea Arthur is a Super Skrull.
The sound of the ‘second shooter’ captured on a Dallas policeman’s open radio microphone on 11/22/63 was actually Ms. Arthur cracking her knuckles at a nearby Waffle House in Fort Worth.
NBC invented digital video and digital graphic effects to do real-time airbrushing of Bea Arthur's Adam's Apple.
15% of illegal immigrants are really genetically engineered clones for which Bea Arthur was the surrogate mother.
Bea Arthur's family developed the cyanide tooth, and the family company is the only supplier of this equipment to the entire world; Also, she's not just the president, she's also a customer!
Bea Arthur knew about 9/11 in advance. This is why Bea Arthur was not in the Towers that day.
Her clandestine affair with Richard Nixon was responsible for the 18 minute gap in a crucial Watergate tape because the Oval Office microphone was unable to pick up the extraordinarily low frequency of her speaking voice.
Initially suspected in the 1932 kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby, the then nine year-old Ms. Arthur was cleared when it was established she was on stage in St. Louis, MO singing the role of The Grand Inquisitor in Giuseppe Verdi’s ‘Don Carlos’ at the time of the abduction.
During the cleaning and restoration of Da Vinci’s ‘The Last Supper,’ the bearded disciple (third from the left) was revealed to be a virtual twin of Ms. Arthur, leading to ongoing controversy in the Catholic Church.
Ms. Arthur was originally slated to play the Adolph Eichmann role eventually given to Stanley Tucci in the 2001 TV movie “Conspiracy.”
Bea Arthur is comprised of three very small people who take turns riding on each other's shoulders and chain smoking.
Ms. Arthur conspired with ‘All in the Family’ creator Norman Lear and CBS Television to drive the long-running NBC hit ‘Bonanza’ (1959) out of its Tuesday night time slot, and eventually off the air entirely in 1973, with the sitcom spin-off ‘Maude.’
Bea Arthur, Knight of Malta.
"The Golden Girls" was riddled with code and symbolism, as it was really a communication hub for the Illuminati.
Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were executed in 1953 for passing nuclear weapons secrets to the Soviets, when they were actually smuggling love notes from Sid Caesar on the set of “Your Show of Shows” to Bea Arthur on the set of “Studio One.”
Bea Arthur actually started all these conspiracy theories herself... just to throw us off from finding out what she's REALLY up to.