By BEN FLASTER, DUNCAN PFLASTER, and BRODIE H. BROCKIE
When the family gathers around the turkey table this Thanksgiving, they'll all take turns saying what they're thankful for this year. Here's what they plan on saying.
AUNT EDITH: That Uncle Frank made it to dinner without making a total embarrassment of himself.
UNCLE ALBERT: I'm thankful for all the nice apologies I received from everyone after the unfortunate death of my lover, Admiral Halsey.
GRANDPA HANK: That the dog stopped stealing my ideas for a flying ice cream truck.
COUSIN NIKKI Age 12: That I got my first period.
COUSIN BECCA, Age 16: That I got my period.
UNCLE BOB: Aunt Steve
UNCLE JOE: As yet, no appearance on America's Most Wanted.
COUSIN OLIVER: I'm thankful no one thinks I'm a jinx anymore!
BROTHER-IN-LAW BARRY: That we'll be having Christmas dinner with my family, where we don't have forced-rituals of awkwardness.
MOTHER IN LAW EVELYN: That everyone signed their wills BEFORE eating my cranberry sauce. MWA HA HA HA HA HA!