By CALAMITY JON MORRIS, LEONARD PIERCE, BEN FLASTER, BRODIE H. BROCKIE and DUNCAN PFLASTER
JOKER: I have a great elaborate gag planned out in which I (whilst adorned with festive sleigh bells) douse Batman in some toxic fart spray, hypnotize Robin into thinking he's a birthing hen, and then remove all the lug nuts from one of the batmobile's wheels so I can make a clean getaway! HA HA!
DR. DOOM: Actually, Doom was thinking about ruining Hanukkah this year so The Thing doesn't feel left out.
SINESTRO: Two words: Yellow snow.
LEX LUTHOR: I shouldn't really say, but I'll tell you this - it involves a skirt, a black wig and kryptonite mistletoe ... no, I've said too much.
BLACK MANTA: Actually, all my plans are directed at ruining undersea Christmas. Or as many of you surface dwellers call it, Kwanzaa.
SOLOMON GRUNDY: GRUNDY LIKE TRICK OR TREAT.
BRAINIAC: My fantastic computer brain has allowed me to hack into NORAD's Santa-tracking facility this year. Add that to the trio of ex-Soviet Army flatbed warhead launchers I picked up on the black market, and ... well, I suppose it's really all spelled out for you, isn't it? Flaming tufts of reindeer fur scattered over a thousand miles, this is my Christmas wish.
CAPTAIN COLD: I tell you what, I spent three weeks in my COLD-CAVE plotting OPERATION COLD-MAS wherein I'd use my COLD-CANNON to demand ransom from every country in North America and Eurasia, threatening to ruin Christmas by bringing down sheet upon sheet of fresh snow upon every major city in their boundaries. And to be honest, only a part of me even begins to realize why this plan isn't working. HAHAHA, what a CHILLING REACTION! They won't be giving ME the COLD SHOULDER! ... (Captain Cold continues like this for several minutes before drifting off to sleep)
GIGANTA: Most of my plans to wreck anything pretty much started and ended with my wardrobe. This year, I'm thinking of going with some sort of off-the-shoulder Santa's helper costume, all crushed red velvet and white fur trim. Oh, and the way I'll be ruining Christmas is that, this time, I'll be wearing underwear. Cry yourselves to sleep, pubescent boys! AHHAHAHA!
THE CHEETAH: I am going to be seriously cutting up some elves.
TOYMAN: Well, I've taken a ranking position with a civilian volunteer watchdog group, we maintain a website that encourages boycotting stores which choose to advertise using the 'Happy Holidays' slogan over 'Merry Christmas.' We flood them with Hate Mail campaigns, put up posters smearing their reputation. Basically, the way I'll be ruining Christmas is by getting a guest editorial spot on the O'Reilly Factor. MWA HAHAHAHAHA.
GORILLA GRODD: I'm still sort of torn between two plans - Either I'm going to file the paperwork needed to overturn the New York District Court's 1947 decision declaring that Kris Kringle is the one-and-only Santa Claus, OR I'm going to fling loads of crap at the tree in Rockefeller Center.
THE SCARECROW: I plan to fling loads of crap at the tree in Rockefeller Center.! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEEEEE!
THE RIDDLER: Wait, did someone else take my 'flinging loads of crap at the Rockefeller Center tree' idea already?
BIZARRO: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO GROUNDHOGS AND TO ALL A GOOD ARBOR DAY! ME AM HO HO HO!
SANDMAN: I will be calcifying myself, smearing on some bootblack, and inserting myself in the stockings of naughty children.
GREEN GOBLIN: Well, I already look kinda like an elf, so maybe Iíll, I dunno, go to some malls and scare kids? Like, an evil elf or something? Christ, I havenít really thought that far ahead. I canít believe itís mid-December already.
VULTURE: That sleigh is not as aerodynamically stable as it looks. All it takes is one clip of my wings, and plunk! Itís in the East River. Have fun handing out toys to passing chunks of untreated sewage, fatty.
THE KINGPIN: Iím Jewish. So thatís how Iím going to ruin Christmas, by being Jewish.
HYDRO-MAN: Same way I do every year: yelling at my wife and then drinking two bottles of drugstore vodka.
ELECTRO: I donít want to give anything away, but Iíll give you a hint: it involves electricity.
DR. OCTOPUS: I am constructing a device that will bring Jesus back from the dead. Believe me, the Christians will not be as happy about this as they think.
MYSTERIO: Using my powers of illusion, I will make the children think they've received the most desirable of gifts, the 64-bit Sony Playstation gaming system. Then, just when they're about to plug it in and turn it on.... what? Outdated? There are three of them now? Damnit, do you know how long it takes to make these illusions?
CHAMELEON: I will disguise myself as Santa and let all the children who sit on my lap know that they will not be getting anything they want for Christmas.
BEETLE: I will steal the store's supply of Hostess Snack Cakes, especially the Twinkies. Without these delicious treats, no child will be able to enjoy their presents.
RHINO: Umm... I dunno. You got something you want me to do to ruin Christmas?
MING THE MERCILESS: It may be a stretch, but I think destroying that wretched planet and ending the life of every living thing may put a damper on their holiday spirit.
COBRA COMMANDER: I have re-recorded every talking doll and action figure with ssssubliminal messssssagessssssss that will turn every youth into a future cobra ssssssoldier!!... Yesssss, I usssed my own voicccce, why do you assssk? You don't think they'll noticcccccce, do you?
SKELETOR: Christmas? Never heard of it. But any reason to try and break into Castle Greyskull works for me!
POISON IVY: Did you know that Poinsettias are poisonous? I can work with that.
TWO-FACE: Haven't decided yet- gotta flip a coin.
CATWOMAN: Sneak into the Rockettes' kickline and mess up their precision dancing with my ultra-high kicks!
AURIC GOLDFINGER: Covering Santa Claus in gold! HA HA! Man, I love gold!
THE MASTER: Before I moved to the Hellmouth, I couldn't really go out at Christmas. I may be immortal, but the cold still makes my arthritis flare up.
MOLE MAN: Ruin Christmas? I'm just going to go visit my parents and watch Christmas ruin itself! I HATE THIS FAMILY! I'm going to my room to write poetry about being lonely!