By DUN PFLASTER, GUTBLOOM, BEN FLASTER, and BRODIE H. BROCKIE
We asked several prominent members of fright-inducing community what it is that makes them quake with fear. These are their answers.
GRENDEL: "I'm afraid of my mom when she drinks. If there is one thing scarier than a water-witch screaming at you to make your bed, it's a drunk water-witch screaming at you to make your bed."
COUNT DRACULA: "I'm scared of clowns. Especially the ones that don't talk. Oh, and you know, sunlight, too."
CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON: "The Creature from the Puce Lagoon. He doesn't get my press since the name of his lagoon isn't as catchy or whatever, but seriously, that guy is psycho, man. Cri-zazy. I'm not even playing."
PENNYWISE THE CLOWN: "Commitment."
LARRY 'THE WOLFMAN' TALBOT: "I'm pee-shy. If there's a guy at the urinal next to mine, I just can't go."
FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER: "FIRE! Remember? It's a pretty-well established phobia of mine. I hate fire."
BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN: "I still have nightmares about the wedding. Like it's the night before and I forgot to hire a caterer or the photographer or I can't get my hair to stay up or something. I don't even know where that comes from, it's not like I'm the one in with the damaged brain."
THE MUMMY: "Construction sites, I'm worried I'll snag on a nail or board, and not notice until my left arm is gone. Same thing for pointy doorknobs."
THE BLOB: "Betraying the ideals of my youth."
50 FT WOMAN: "I'm mortified at the thought of getting my period in public. Although, really, everyone else should be more afraid."
THE ELEPHANT MAN: "What? Why am I being asked this? I am not a monster, I am a human being!! How many times do I have to tell you people this?!? But for the record, spiders give me the heebie-jeebies."
PHANTOM OF THE OPERA: "I don't know about scared, but I get really antsy around sticks, wires, anything pointy. I have one good eye left, I'd really like to keep it. I couldn't get a seeing-eye dog because of my allergies, and do you have any idea how long it would take me to get down into my lair? Man, I'm getting queasy just talking about it." THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN: "Global warming."
JAWS: "I'm afraid of being alone. C'mon, you think a shark really needs to eat that much, even one my size? I'm just stuck in that whole 'food is love' trap. Plus, with all these people in my stomach, I'll never be alone."
LEVIATHAN: "I'm afraid of The Lord, of course. The Lord and hammerhead sharks."
MEDUSA: "I'm afraid to just be myself."
GHIDRAH, THE THREE-HEADED MONSTER: "Look, I know what people say... but I'm not, and never have been, afraid of Godzilla. The only thing I'm afraid of is brand infringement. I see my likeness used in a lot of places. Do I get anything for it? No. I get nothing. Bupkis. I've got three mouths to feed, you know. It's no joke."
THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT: "Continued weakness in the housing markets and rising interest rates."
SWAMP THING: "Roller Coasters".
FREDDY KRUEGER: "There's this girl I've been seeing around town for a while, but I'm just too scared to ask her out. I mean, I smell like old wet leather, I've been wearing the same sweater since 1984 (and it wasn't too fashionable then), and what girl wants to make out with a guy with blades on his hand?"
NORMAN BATES: "I'm concerned that the earth will not be able to sustain its current population growth, and I'm afraid of what the future holds. mass starvation is inevitable. If it comes to it, I'm sure Mother will let me subsist on her, it is a mother's duty to provide for her children, but there are only so many ways to prepare the flesh of your mummified parent."
ROD STEWART'S HAIR: "Eventually having to find a new host body."