By CALAMITY JON MORRIS, DUNCAN PFLASTER, BRODIE H. BROCKIE, JUSTIN VIDOVIC, BEN FLASTER and GUTBLOOM
Tiny, tiny diapers.
When the wind comes up out of nowhere and the arrow goes a bit off course and it sticks some fellow right under the patella in the eye and he ends up shrieking like a dog with its tail caught in the door. It's grating as hell.
Movies with Meg Ryan
When his mom interferes with his love life
The Funky Cold Medina cutting in on his action.
That arrows with heart-shaped tips are, like, three times the price of regular pointy arrows. Did it take three times as much work to make them? I don't think so!
His own thighs.
In Michigan, his chubby little legs chafe somethin fierce.
When his dad, Vulcan, talks about building Cupid-bot 3000.
How today's college-aged kids don't need his help, just some beer and a Dave Matthews CD.
Having a frickin' Reindeer named after him.
Being portrayed by Jeremy Piven on a TV show.
The fact that the only thing that rhymes with "Cupid" is "Stupid".
Cherub! Cherub! Not "flying baby!"
Those darn Malaysian Man-eating Demon Babies that have been flying around creating such a fuss with their "baby attacks." It makes people very mistrustful.
When he's getting in some practice at the range, and the Nuge shows up and makes fun of his bow.
When he was portrayed in Disney cartoons, Walt had him drawn wearing eye makeup.
Union dues go up every year, and he really hasn't seen anything in return.
The uncomfortable emotional incest that's always present on Mount Olympus and usually involves his mom.
When one never wears a shirt, belly button lint isn't just funny, it's embarassing.
That he's always kind of wanted to wear socks. But there isn't a single pair in the entire world that doesn't look silly on him.
Short chubby arms and legs make it impossible to ride a motorcycle.
That gremlins are incapable of love. One time he filled one so full of arrows that it died. Still spitting and cursing. He buried it in a shoe box in his backyard and cried.
That worms have 16 hearts which makes for a lot of paperwork.
The wings are merely decorative. He actually has to walk everywhere. On his soft little baby feet.
The men that mom brings home.
Being called putti.
The way arrows bounce off Kate Moss' ribcage.
People who break into a Sam Cooke impersonation as soon as they see him as if he hasn't heard "Cupid, draw back your bo-o-ow" every day since 1961.
Ambrosia. Honey he still likes, but, you know, if you stop eating ambrosia for even a little while you lose the enzymes needed to digest it.
When there are a bunch of oldsters in front of him at the bottom of a thermal.
When people accuse him of preening just for looks.
Cap'n Wacky's Gallery of Unfortunate Valentines.