By DAVID ANDREWS and BRODIE H. BROCKIE
BARRY TAYLOR (PETA) - President of the lesser-known PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Argyle), Taylor has already been asked the obvious question: "Are there people treating argyle unethically?" His response: "No, not at all. I think that just goes to show what an effective leader I am."
SHIRLEY C. COOK (Potluck Party) - Candidate Cook believes in reaching across the aisle or across the table to accomplish her objectives. The PP has a full plate of issues, ranging from familiar staples like farm subsidies to less recognizable positions on foreign trade with Chinese, Thai and Mexican suppliers. Cook believes public discourse is of paramount importance to keep things running smoothly at both the local level and in the business community.
BIZARRO NO. 1 (Square Earth Party) - Superman's imperfect clone says that if he's not elected he will provide a chicken in every garage and a car in every pot. A longtime political leader on his own planet, Bizarro World, Bizarro #1 is a politician who has always kept his word.
Brian D. Vouwer (Zombie Party) An offshoot of the Green Party, the ZP departed from their previous incarnation by supporting a radical agenda of conspicuous consumption. They also support very narrow and restrictive interpretations of 2nd Amendment rights. Education is clearly a high ZP priority, as evidenced in their motto, “A brain is a terrible thing to waste.”
RICK NELSON (Garden Party) - Previously believed to be too conservative and obsessed with nostalgia. Candidate Nelson says he has changed, even to the point where old supporters might know his name, but not recognize him. "It's all right now, I learned my lesson well." Mr. Nelson vows to stop playing to public opinion polls, knowing you can't please everyone, instead choosing to focus on pleasing himself.
OWEN HOUSEMAN (Residential Warming Party) - As his party’s name implies, issues related to domestic energy production and consumption are foremost on candidate Houseman’s agenda. Most RWP policy discussions begin with wind power, though they can on occasion go nuclear. Houseman is personally known to be a particularly enthusiastic exponent of natural gas.
CAPTAIN DIRK BARNACALES (Pirate Party) - Ran previous unsuccessful presidential bids in 2004 (as Bungachu of the Pokemon Party) and 2000 (as Slammer McGoo of the Pog Party). "This time I'm sure I've plotted me course by an evenin' star that won't never dim, says I," Barnacles said. "You don't think I'm too late again, do you?"
John Blutarsky (Fraternity Party) Long-time U.S. Senator Blutarsky’s candidacy gives instant credibility to a party often dismissed as having a shallow, underdeveloped agenda. The FP believes in a strong and proactive defense of their core values, and support the development of many innovative weapons systems. They consider the current government – and all authoritarian hierarchies – to be inherently corrupt. His running mate, Eric Stratton, has five years prior experience working in The West Wing. Women’s issues consume a large portion of the FPs agenda, and Stratton is thought to be an expert in this area.
TATER MCKENNAL (Party Party) – Through extensive advertising, voters have been well informed about canine candidate Tater’s stance on partying down and drinking lots of cool, refreshing Bulb Light Beer. What most have not heard about, however, is McKennal’s less-well-publicized intention to have America’s Amish population neutered.