By DAVID ANDREWS and BRODIE H. BROCKIE
BARRY TAYLOR (PETA) - President of the lesser-known PETA (People for the
Ethical Treatment of Argyle), Taylor has already been asked the obvious
question: "Are there people treating argyle unethically?" His response:
"No, not at all. I think that just goes to show what an effective leader I
am."
SHIRLEY C. COOK (Potluck Party) - Candidate Cook believes in reaching
across the aisle or across the table to accomplish her objectives. The PP
has a full plate of issues, ranging from familiar staples like farm
subsidies to less recognizable positions on foreign trade with Chinese,
Thai and Mexican suppliers. Cook believes public discourse is of paramount
importance to keep things running smoothly at both the local level and in
the business community.
BIZARRO NO. 1 (Square Earth Party) - Superman's imperfect clone says that
if he's not elected he will provide a chicken in every garage and a car in
every pot. A longtime political leader on his own planet, Bizarro World,
Bizarro #1 is a politician who has always kept his word.
Brian D. Vouwer (Zombie Party) An offshoot of the Green Party, the ZP
departed from their previous incarnation by supporting a radical agenda of
conspicuous consumption. They also support very narrow and restrictive
interpretations of 2nd Amendment rights. Education is clearly a high ZP
priority, as evidenced in their motto, “A brain is a terrible thing to
waste.”
RICK NELSON (Garden Party) - Previously believed to be too conservative
and obsessed with nostalgia. Candidate Nelson says he has changed, even to
the point where old supporters might know his name, but not recognize him.
"It's all right now, I learned my lesson well." Mr. Nelson vows to stop
playing to public opinion polls, knowing you can't please everyone,
instead choosing to focus on pleasing himself.
OWEN HOUSEMAN (Residential Warming Party) - As his party’s name implies,
issues related to domestic energy production and consumption are foremost
on candidate Houseman’s agenda. Most RWP policy discussions begin with
wind power, though they can on occasion go nuclear. Houseman is personally
known to be a particularly enthusiastic exponent of natural gas.
CAPTAIN DIRK BARNACALES (Pirate Party) - Ran previous unsuccessful
presidential bids in 2004 (as Bungachu of the Pokemon Party) and 2000 (as
Slammer McGoo of the Pog Party). "This time I'm sure I've plotted me
course by an evenin' star that won't never dim, says I," Barnacles said.
"You don't think I'm too late again, do you?"
John Blutarsky (Fraternity Party) Long-time U.S. Senator Blutarsky’s
candidacy gives instant credibility to a party often dismissed as having a
shallow, underdeveloped agenda. The FP believes in a strong and proactive
defense of their core values, and support the development of many
innovative weapons systems. They consider the current government – and all
authoritarian hierarchies – to be inherently corrupt. His running mate,
Eric Stratton, has five years prior experience working in The West Wing.
Women’s issues consume a large portion of the FPs agenda, and Stratton is
thought to be an expert in this area.
TATER MCKENNAL (Party Party) – Through extensive advertising, voters have
been well informed about canine candidate Tater’s stance on partying down
and drinking lots of cool, refreshing Bulb Light Beer. What most have not
heard about, however, is McKennal’s less-well-publicized intention to have
America’s Amish population neutered.