By RJ WHITE, RAQUEL D'APIECE, CALAMITY JON MORRIS, BEN FLASTER and BRODIE H. BROCKIE
"My parents have said that they will probably vote for me. Won't you, too?"
"I won't go off of my pills for the entire term. That is my pledge."
"C'mon, the other candidate is a chick. You're not gonna vote for a dame, are ya?"
"Because, haven't we all had a little too much to drink now and then?"
"You could do worse!"
"Elect me to lower the jobless rate, because then I will have a job, therefore at least lowering the rate by one because at present I do not have a job."
"We've lost our lease and I'm slashing rights! Every freedom must go!"
"Have you guys heard this band, Morningwood? They rock pretty hard, yeah, pretty hard. Oh, and the chick singer is, like, rockin' hot. Yeah. Also, I will ban Italians from holding public office."
"A Turducken in every pot!"
"Let's not make me angry."
"Transgendered for American Values!"
"F--- THA POLICE!"
Just a crude bathroom stall drawing of a naked, smiling man.
"I have not technically killed anyone."
"Vote Wilson. The conviction was overturned."
(During a door-to-door campaign): "Vote for me, I know where you live."
"Vote for me, I can't go back to that office."
"Four more years of the other guy"
"Do THESE look like the testicles of a bad leader?"
"Putting the 'emo' in 'Democrat'"
"C'mon, one more term - for old time's sake."
"I was going to invite you to my birthday party, but if you don't vote for me, I'm not."
"Do it. Do it and I'll give you a dollar."
"If you elect me to the senate, I will do all I can to put a vending machine in the cafeteria and have the greatest homecoming dance ever."
"Once you go black..."
"Vote for me or the kitten dies"
"You should see the disgusting footage of my competitor that I found on the internet"
"If I can juggle a chainsaw, I can juggle a budget"
"Choosing me isn't nearly as bad as some of the decisions you made in college."