By RJ WHITE, BRODIE H. BROCKIE, DUNCAN PFLASTER, GUTBLOOM, and BEN FLASTER
"Anyone in the band reading this review should probably quit the band immediately."
"Fortunately, my grandfather died in the middle of the show so I had to leave."
"Reminiscent of Air Supply, but without the biting wit".
"I didn't much care for the music, but my 97 year old grandmother (who I'd had to bring, due to a nursing home mix-up) was totally into it".
"The lead singer's voice reminds me a lot of John Lennon's (as he was dying)."
"This band's set didn't just make me hate them, it made me hate music itself."
"The drummer seemed to be playing entirely different songs than the rest of the band, which honestly, might have been a pretty good idea."
"I was forced to puncture both my eardrums with my pencil to stop the pain."
"Remember when rock music was daring and fun? These guys don't."
"Dear God, why????!!! Why do you mock me??!!!"
"Their pants were much tighter than their set."
"On a scale measuring musical integrity, this band comes in slightly below Milli Vanilli."
"Staying through this band's set got me in touch with my inner masochist; it just felt so good when the pain stopped."
"The singer took some definite cues from the work of Dick Vitale"
"It may be that all you need is a guitar, three chords and the truth... unfortunately without the truth at your disposal three chords can get old mighty fast."
"Danced around the stage like an aging David Lee Roth without the hair implants."
"lyrics with the blue collar authenticity of a James Frey memoir"
"In all my years of attending shows and concerts, I have never before heard an audience so vehemently plead not to hear an encore. Not pretty."
"tried to kick over the amplifier but seemed to hurt his foot instead"
"sweating more than John Popper on a methamphetamine binge"
"poetic insights reminiscent of Jewel"
"imagine a Phish show full of preppies... add Siberian Death Metal... take away the electric instruments and the drugs... and add a banjo and 'Christian' lyrics..."
"The rhymes were flowing, if by 'flowing' you mean 'periodically sputtering out of the mouth of a rhythmic Lilliputian.'"
"This band's music will make you believe that there is a god... and that he hates you."
"This band displayed amazing talent and skill while ripping through song after song that thrilled and energized everyone in the audience. Clearly, this was a group that had a bright future in front of it right up until the ceiling fell in and crushed them all to death."