By BRODIE H. BROCKIE, BEN FLASTER, and CALAMITY JON MORRIS
"We've recently raised our safety standards and now have life rafts for approximately 75% of ship's capacity (plus or minus 5% depending on how many fatties are on board)."
"Line up for a hardy meal at our famous Chumfet, an all-you-can-eat chum buffet."
"Our friendly crew is made up of experienced sailors, former naval officers and individuals who played naval officers in community theater productions of South Pacific."
"We travel away from the shipping lanes, because the Taiwanese pirates pay us to! You like pirates, right? Like in that movie? It'll be fun!"
"Choose any of the ships in our current fleet of 15." (with "15" crossed out in pen with a little arrow pointing to a "14" which is in turn crossed off in crayon with a little arrow pointing to a "13".)
"Nightly entertainment includes musical acts such as The Faux-gerty Brothers, The Fat Carpenters, and Jermaine Jackson. The real one."
"When we converted the cruise ship from an old whaling vessel, we decided to leave harpooning stations intact for your recreation and enjoyment. Feel free to try your hand and spearing passing marine life! Fun for kids AND the young at heart."
"State-of-the-art plumbing system recycles your very own urine into drinking water! (Warning: drinking water also recycled from urine of other passengers, staff, and cargo animals)"
"We will ram ships from rival cruise lines just to prove a point, see if we won't!"
"90% of decks now 70% gastrointestinal disease free!"
"Our captains have years of sailing experience in the Great Lakes system."
"In the event of an accident, our staff is committed to sending help back to you once their safety has been established."
"Lots of available activities, including some things and other stuff you like to do."
"Accident free since 2008 (projected)."
"To bring a personalized, homey feel to our cabins, we kidnap your mothers and force them to make up your room just how you like it."
"Catch a rat, get a free buffet! (Not applicable to rats caught within 20 feet of buffet)"
"All cabins equipped with running salt water."
"Where other cruise lines have celebrity's on board to sign autographs, we've got them on board to steer the ship! Who knows, you might be out to sea under the careful and famous stewardship of Courtney Love, Billy Joel or Tara Reid!"
"Enjoy our ass-bottomed boats. You heard us."