Cap'n Dad Cometh

It all started with a postcard recently delivered to the Amalgated Humor offices. The card was addressed to Cap'n Wacky himself. The sender: Cap'n Wacky's infamous, but rarely-seen father, Cap'n Dad. The closing sentence: See you next week.

What follows is a report on Cap'n Dad's visit to the Amalgamated Humor corporate headquarters as told by various AH employees. Each section of the report is preceded by the name and title of the employee who was written it.

RJ WHITE, co-president
I first became aware of the situation when head mail clerk Gordy Schwartz came into my office informing me he would be taking a week's vacation. Now, I normally try to discourage our employees from taking any paid time off, but our liberal contracts do allow our workers five paid days following every five years of service and since Gordy hadn't taken a vacation in seven years, my hands were tied.

Of course, I couldn't give a damn where he was going or why, but my personal secretary, Miss Randi Vavoom, was in the office and made a little chit chat with Gordy about his vacation intentions. He was planning on going to Florida, which I found boring and cliched, but then she asked him why and the answer chilled me to my very (alleged) soul:

"Cap'n Dad is coming."

GARY NEWBRUNSWICK, vice president of public relations
I was already damn busy that morning as it was. We were in the midst of re-calling the new official Cap'n Wacky bubble pipes that had proven a huge smash hit with the kids. We had tested the pipes extensively, and we had tested our new Tuff Bubble formula as well. Unfortunately, while the two items were packaged and sold together, we had never actually tested them together and the formula in the bubble interacted with the plastic on the mouthpiece to produce what has been described as a mild hallucinatory effect.

A warehouse full of pipes.

Anyway, you probably read all about that in the papers already, so there's no need to go over that again here. So, I was working on my notes for the umpteenth press conference about the aforementioned when I heard Miss Vavoom paging me to Mr. White's office. During my years with Amalgamated Humor, I have been paged to one or another of the presidents' offices countless times; it's never good news.

Mr. White was sitting behind the desk. The man is nearly impossible to read, as he always has an expression on his face of pure fury barely held in check. Our other company president, Mr. Brockie, was standing next to him and was giving clear signals of extreme nervousness. He had already gnawed the pen in his right hand until the back end had broken off, leaving it in brittle shards and stainging his lower lip a dark blue. He had taken off his watch and was about to start nibbling on its band as I entered.

"Have a seat, Newbrunswick," Mr. White offered (or ordered, it was hard to tell.)

"I'd rather stand if it's going to be quick," I said. "I'm very busy with the recall."

"Cap'n Dad is coming," said Mr. White.

I sat down.

DOLLY SAUNDERS, human resources director
Don't ask me how this became one of my duties, it doesn't make any sense to me, but for some reason, when Cap'n Wacky is needed after one of his... how can I put it delicately... wild drunken sprees, it's up to me to rouse him.

I entered his quarters at 11:30 a.m. and was stunned to find the Cap'n already awake, at his desk, and hunched over a half-empty bottle of Wild Turkey.

"You father is coming," I told him.

"I know," said Cap'n Wacky. "It come to me in a dream."

BRODIE H. BROCKIE, company co-president
"He's not still wanted in this state, is he?" My colleague Mr. White asked.

Gary checked his dossier on Cap'n Dad. "No, all the charges were dropped for lack of evidence."

"Well, that's still leaves us with the question at hand then. Who's going to greet him?" Mr. White asked. "I'd go myself, but I didn't get to this important position in life by doing things for myself."

"Fine, fine. If everybody's so scared, I'll do it," I volunteered.

"The Hell you will. I didn't get to this position in life by letting YOU do things for yourself either," Mr. White snapped.

I let it go because he's under a lot of pressure. Normally, I would have totally schooled him for talking to me like that.

"I know. We'll send Toby O'Hallahan!" I offered.

Gary didn't seem too keen on the idea. "That little eager gopher? He's just a kid. Who knows what'll happen to him if we send him out to Cap'n Dad?"

"Hopefully that's two birds with one stone," said Mr. White.

CAP'N WACKY, mascot
I looked down through me window toward the entrance at the main gates. Wee little Toby walked out through the main doors, slowly across the driveway and toward the huge ironwork of the front gates. He's just a boy, Toby is, and didn't know to be afeared.

I'm a brave man, I man, and let no one tell you different. There's only one man in all the world I fear, and that's me own father.

Well, him and Gene Rayburn with his sneaky little eyes and giant teeth.

Also, motivational speaker Tony Robbins sets me a bit on edge.

Also that one actor. The guy in Ghost. Not the main guy, but the one he sees in the subway, there. Tall balding fellow. Scary.

And all redheads.

Gee whiz, I sure was excited to get picked to be the one to greet Cap'n Wacky's dad, I was. I've hardly ever even seen Cap'n Wacky around the office, though I'm sometimes picked to leave medicine outside his door for him.

The gates opened and Cap'n Dad stepped into the grounds. Boy, he sure looked like a big fella, but small as I am, who doesn't? He took the pipe out of his mouth and smiled real big at me.

"Ahoy there, laddie," he said. "Whar's me boy?"