Cap'n Dad Cometh: Part 2

The story of Cap'n Dad's recent visit to the Amalgamated Humor corporate headquarters continues, reported in the same round-robin style as part one. The name and title of the writer appears above each section.

Archive photo of Cap'n Dad enjoying a cockfight.

I got to greet Mr. Cap'n Dad at the company gates and gee-whiz was he nice! Cap'n Wacky is super-old, so I was surprised to hear that his dad was still alive and not even in one of those homes where they don't let you out. He gave me a Slo-Poke and it was yummy. He asked me to take him to see his son, Cap'n Wacky, so I took him inside.

Mr. Brockie and Mr. White had asked me to try to stall Cap'n Dad, but Cap'n Dad said he would give me a whole fistfull of Slo-Pokes if I took him straight to Cap'n Wacky "no funny-business." So I did.

CAP'N WACKY, corporate mascot
And there he was, me own Pa, standing in me doorway with that spastic hummingbird Toby O'Hallahan - I made me a mental note to fix his wagon later.

"Well, Toby, it's time fer me to be alone with me son, now," Cap'n Dad said.

"OK, Mr. Cap'n Dad," said Toby. "I'll just collect my Slo-Pokes an be on my way."

"Oh, I don't have them with me right now," said Cap'n Dad, mussing little Toby's hair. "But I'll be sure to send them to ya, first chance I get."

Toby didn't even get to finish his "Aw geez," before the door was shut on him. I'd a wagered me beard right then and there that little Toby would never see that candy. Anyway, the little fool had learned a lesson leastways.

"Son, let's go play catch," said Cap'n Dad, which surprised me as the only thing I'd ever caught from the old man was me love of the drink.

"Oh Lord," said I. "Yer dyin'!"

"Oh, I am not," said Cap'n Dad. "Leastways no faster than anyone else. Can't a man want to play catch with his boy?"

"Oh, he can," I said. "But the son is bound ta be surprised if the only balls he's ever seen his pa handle were highballs."

Cap'n Dad laughed at this. "Oh son, you do have a wit about ye. Now, let's go an play."

GARY NEWBRUNSWICK, vice president of public relations
So Cap'n Dad and Cap'n Wacky went out and threw a ball back and forth together. I watched them out of my office window, and was surprised to see the two of them laughing and getting along together after a few minutes. After that, the Cap'ns went out for ice cream and then Cap'n Dad finally taught Cap'n Wacky to ride a bicycle.

The next day, at Cap'n Dad's request, Cap'n Wacky gave his father a tour of the corporate headquarters and he got to meet several Amalgamated Humor employees.

One of the recalled pipes.

PAM WILSON, daycare
Cap'n Dad was very friendly to the kids in the daycare center. He told them all a colorful story about the sea, asked them how they liked Cap'n Wacky, asked them how they felt about the Amalgamated Humor products and the recent bubble pipe recall (which all the kids are upset about - those were very popular items).

MARTY LURNLIN, accounting
Cap'n Dad said "Hi" to me, which was kind of exciting considering he's the only person who has said anything to me in a week.

THOR, loading docks
Cap'n Dad's heart seemed as warm as the fires of Surtur's forge. Rarely doth any mortal take so keen an interest in my duties here on Midgard. He was greatly impressed with my strength and asked many a question about how I do my job and where I put things after I life them off the trucks. Verily, he was a prince among men!

RANDI VAVOOM, secretary to the presidents
Cap'n Dad said I was pretty!

BRODIE BROCKIE, co-president
Cap'n Dad said I was pretty! And I am!

RJ WHITE, co-president
At the end of that day, Cap'n Dad offered to take a bunch of us out to a local watering hole. Normally, I don't like to fraternize with the employees, but he was offering to pay for the booze.

I may be cold and standoffish, but not when it comes to free booze.

CAP'N WACKY, mascot
So we all went out for a drink at The Lazy Anchor where Cap'n Dad treated me friends to several rounds of drinks. A fine time was had by all of us, it was. I've ne'er seen ol' Cap'n Dad as hearty and generous as he was that night.

He laughed, he played darts, and told jokes - he even got up and sang us a song with the karaoke device… "Take the Money and Run" I think it was.

He bought several rounds of drinks fer our group, even though he hardly took a drink himself at all. Yup, wherever Cap'n Dad has been traveling these several years since last I saw him, they've changed him for the better, it seemed.

It looked like Cap'n Dad and I could finally put away the troubles of our past and just be pals.

GARY NEWBRUNSWICK, vice president of public relations
The next morning, I was one of the few company higher-ups who actually showed up for work. An uncommon number of employees called in sick. Even the company presidents both took the day off (which is fairly common for Mr. Brockie, but not for Mr. White). I'm not unfamiliar with drinking binges, and I had a lot of work to do spinning public opinion on the bubble pipe incident, so I came in to the office a little early.

I headed down to the warehouse, hoping to look at the recalled Cap'n Wacky bubble pipes while I tried to get inspiration for my latest press release. I went to the door to the storage room where we'd had Thor carry the crates of toys. Taped on the door was a note. It read:

"Dear Son,
"I'm sorry I had to fool ye this way, yer dear old Cap'n Dad was in need of a little extra cash, quick like. I heard you all were just going to throw there here popular toy pipes away anyway, so I hope you don't mind too much.
"I did have fun this week.

"Love, Cap'n Dad"

I opened the door just to be sure. The pipes, of course, were all gone.

None of us have seen Cap'n Dad since.

CAP'N WACKY, mascot
Well, he fooled me again, he did, and I suppose I deserved it a little for making it so easy for the old scallawag.

Still, of all the few times Cap'n Dad has ever visited, this was the most enjoyable.

And that, I suppose, isn't saying very much at all.

Where in the world does he plan to sell all those pipes?