April 2006 | Volume 1, Issue 4

ITEM: Easter is coming this month, so don't forget to prepare your kids for the company's annual Extreme Easter Egg Hunt (to be held on April 9). Some tips for kids preparing to compete:

1. Get plenty of rest the night before.
2. Load up on carbs.
3. Remember: bears can smell fear.
4. If you get caught in one of the traps, call for help. Don't try to chew off your leg and keep egg-hunting.
5. Winners don't cry. Criers don't win.

ITEM: While we're on the subject, the cafeteria will NOT be serving decorated Easter eggs this month. If you see unusually colored eggs available, please do not eat them or report them to the health department. Actually, this goes for any month, really.

ITEM: The entire hallway leading to the Research and Development department's offices remains closed following and incident in which our R&D scientists accidentally opened a portal to a dimension populated by demonic tentacled sperm-whale sized monstrosities last Thursday. The portal is only approximately 8 feet in diameter, so there is NO danger of the monsters actually coming through the portal, but their tentacles most certainly can. Best to just stay away until we can bring the priests in next Tuesday.

We will be unable to temporarily relocated the records department as they requested, so employees in that department and anyone planning to visit them may want to bring headphones and/or earplugs so as not to be driven mad by the near constant shrieking.

ITEM: Employees wishing to take the day off for the funeral of R&D department head Werner Eichelberger must use one of their personal days for the time off as the company WILL remain open, contrary to rumors. There will be no burial since there are no remains, so you might just need to take a half day.

THIS MONTH'S EMPLOYEE HEATH TIP from Human Resources head Dolly Saunders: Smoking is still bad for you! Sure, Hollywood tough guys make smoking look cool, but those guys are tough enough to never get cancer. You're not! You're probably not even cool. Scientists can make disposable razor with five blades, they can drive a robot on mars, and open up portals to demon-squid dimensions, but we can't get a delicious and sexy nicotine dispensing device that won't give us bad breath and put us in the ground. I hate scientists. Damn you, Werner. I never got to tell you I loved you. I hope those beasts really did kill you because I can't sleep thinking about the alternative.

ITEM: New Director of Public Relations, Ched "Pea-Pod" Brockie, had an exciting fist month with the company! At his first question and answer question with the press, he simply scared the gathered members of the fourth estate away by firing a shotgun into the air and yelling "All y'all git off my damn lawn, y'hear!?" Great start, "Pea-Pod!"

PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS: Co-President Mr. Brockie says, "to me, EVERY Friday is a good Friday! Ha ha! Get it? TGIF, right everybody? Ha ha! I'm one of you! Love me!"

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