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This time on "Ask Zonar" we'll be featuring letters
in which educated
cinephiles respond eloquently to my negative reviews of their favorite
films over on Zonar Review Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing. I'm sure
all shall conduct themselves with the utmost dignity and we will have a
lively and enlightening discussion from which we all come away a bit
smarter about film.
Ahem.
Anyway, on to the idiots:
I compleatly dissagree with your veiw on charlies angels 2. It is not just
a bunch of meaningless porn. It is a action/comedy about 3 girls who can totally
kick ass. its a fight between good and evil. it has amzing fight scenes. its
a total shot of girl power. it proves that we too can kick butt and look good
doing it. it proves that we don't have to use guns to fight (yes, the x-angel
does, but she looses in the end). I think its really cool to watch too, its
a movie that you can watch 20 times and never get sick of. IT IS MY FAVORATE
MOVIE , and there is no way that you can trash it like that. it is so totally
awesome.
There are many movie that I don't like, but do you see me, or any other decent
person writing crap about them on the internet just to get the people who
DO like them annoyed and upset? no, because we aren't hartless critics with
nothing better to do than put other people down. you make me sick. how can
someone enjoy knowing that he or she has made thousands of people angry,
mabe even a few of the more sensitive (not me, i'm just saying that maybe
some emotional person is out there reading your crap) brought to tears over
how their favortate movie was trashed. just because YOU don't like something,
doesn't mean someone else doesn't, you hearltess critic.
Dear Zonar's Angel,
Let's take a few of these items point by point:
1. it proves that we too can kick butt and look good doing it. it proves that
we don't have to use guns to fight
Yes, this movie featuring actors pretending to fight in choreographed scenes
with pre-determined outcomes, doubled by stunt-people, and heightened with
special effects absolutely proves both of the points you mention. Also, the
movie "Babe" therefore proves that piglets can
speak English.
2. its a movie that you can watch 20 times and never get sick of.
Hard to believe, but I would believe it is a movie you can watch .02 times and
get sick from.
3. IT IS MY FAVORATE MOVIE
Now we're all just sad for you, darling.
4. there is no way that you can trash it like that
Actually, I think I already did.
5. do you see me, or any other decent person writing crap about them
on the internet just to get the people who DO like them annoyed and upset?
Here, you're right. Absolutely no one else is writing "crap", as
you so elegantly put it, on the internet just to make other people upset.
It has never, ever happened. Really, though, that's not what I'm doing. I'm
providing a valuable warning to anyone who will listen. If I stop just one
person from seeing a "Snow Dogs" I will have done a great service
to
humanity.
6. no, because we aren't hartless critics
I'm not sure why this distinction needed to be made. Do most Earth-critics
own deer?
7. you make me sick.
Are you SURE that isn't just from watching Charlie's Angels 2 twenty times?
8. mabe even a few of the more sensitive (not me, i'm just saying that maybe
some emotional person is out there reading your crap) brought to tears over
how their favortate movie was trashed
Yes, clearly this person is not at all emotionally-invested in this topic. Have
another tissue, Tammy Faye?
a total shot of Superion power,
Zonar the Superion
Dear Zonar,
I DISAGREE strongly. If you choose to delete this letter before you finish
reading it, then it shows what kind of pimp you are. First off let me start
by saying
there is nothing wrong with the original trilogy or prequel trilogy. And if
you dislike these movies you don't have to make a website about it you
#$@ hole!
Also
I haven't seen the holiday special but by what I've heard it's not very good.
You're lucky Mr.Lucas himself doesn't sue you. You're a %&*$@, and in case
you didn't know that means bitch "oh wise Zonar".
I'll put it shortly for you, I don't like you or your website.
P.S.I am not some overweight, glasses wearing nerd who lives in his mom's
basement. Besides, what sort of dorkey name is Zonar anyway.
Geek.
Signed, with hatred,
anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Just as you can't sue someone for pointing out that the sky is blue, you
can't sue someone for pointing out the Star Wars movies are crap. This is
what your Earth-lawyers would call the "everyone already knows that" defense.
It's nice of you to ask me to let you start by saying that there is nothing
wrong with the original nor prequel trilogy, but I'm afraid I'm going to
have to deny that request. It's a little much to ask. I think even most of
the die-hard superfans who talk to their action figures more often than they
talk to the opposite sex and wear Jedi robes all the time, partly because
they love the series, but also partly because pants are no longer comfortable
after years of trying to drown their sorrows in cheeseburgers and burritos
would at least admit that they have some problem with one of the following
items: Jar Jar, Ewoks, midichlorians, Baby Darth, Mark Hammill, Hayden Christiansen,
that one love scene with the sand-gets-everywhere line, no medal for Chewbacca,
no Superions in the movies, no one can act, constant terrible dialogue, overall
crappiness.
signed with pity,
Zonar the Superion.
P.S.: Post scripts go after the signature, fatty.
You might consider giving this one a chance. If you took all the past 5 Batman movies and rolled them up and through them in the trash, then you would have Batman Begins. It is nothing like the others.
Dear Bat-fan,
Are you really intending to tell me that this movie is like taking the other previous five Bat-Man movies and covering them in (more) trash? I believe you, but I'm not sure how that's a good argument to convince me to give it a chance.
Anyway, thank you for writing your own joke for me. Remarkable.
sincerely,
Zonar the Superion
Hi. Well, I don't know your backround, your religion or anything, in fact I know close to nothing about you. But, I've talked to alot of people like you. I think that if anyone needs God it's you. And I wish you wouldn't criticize Mel Gibson like that. At least he had enough faith to stand up for what he believes in, and even though I don't know Mel personally, I'm by him all the way. I think that the
only person who has alot of time on their hands is you. I'm sure you've had a sudden urge to get up and go to church, or talk to someone about religion, and ask questions about God. If you have, that was the Holy Spirit. But maybe they didn't give you the answers that you wanted. I'm not trying to say I'm better than you or anything, which I most definately isn't. I believe that God created everyone equal. I believe that God sent His son Jesus to the earth so Jesus could die for our sins. I don't care if you trash this letter, but I will pray that you find God. I just want you to know that I was like you before. I was mean, everyother word that came out of my mouth was a swearword, I told lies, I cheated, I stole things. I just wanted you to know that I love everyone, even the people that get on my nerves. I love them because God loves everyone. If He didn't love us, He wouldn't have created us. I just wanted you to know that. I'm
sorry if any of this sounds mean. It's not meant to be mean or anything, it's just been a long day for me. But, I pray with all my heart that you find God somewhere. I also pray that you will find enough courage to talk a christian about God, I know you will. If you ever feel stupid about it, don't it's just Satan. Remember "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, for the Lord your God is with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you."Deuteronomy 31:6. I'm praying for you!!
Someone who cares
Dear Someone,
Sigh. I'm almost tempted to just let your letter stand alone and allow you to look foolish all by yourself, but (lucky you) I'm in the mood to pick today. Let's take this one point by point too:
1. I don't know your backround, your religion or anything, in
fact I know close to nothing about you.
Even though all this information is readily available on the site that you had to read to e-mail me and I even specifically mention that Superions worship only knowledge in the review you're writing about. Good start!
2. But, I've talked to alot of people like you.
Which is odd, considering that you just said you know nothing about me.
Also: There are not "alot" of people like me, whatever "alot" might mean. There aren't a lot of people like me either. In fact, there are NO people like me because I am not a person. I'm a Superion, a superior being from another planet, which really would be hard to miss if you read the review and looked at the site long enough to find my e-mail address. Try.
3.And I wish you wouldn't criticize Mel Gibson like that.
Don't wish at me. Take your wishes to Jesus.
4. At least he had enough faith to stand up for what he believes in, and even though I don't know Mel personally, I'm by him all the way.
Hey, I'm standing up for what I believe in too (and much moreso than someone who doesn't put their name on their letter): pointing out to humans that they are all inferior beings and have horrible taste in motion-pictures. That's faith in myself, little apostle, and I've got it in spades. Are you by me all the way too? If so, please don't stand so closely that I can smell you.
5. I think that the only person who has alot of time on their hands is you.
Doesn't this make it sound like I implied Mel Gibson or Jesus or someone had too much time on their hands in my original review? I didn't. I have no idea what this is referring too. Maybe it would make sense, again, if I knew what the word "alot" meant.
6. I'm sure you've had a sudden urge to get up and go to church, or talk
to someone about religion, and ask questions about God.
Incorrect.
7. If you have, that was the Holy Spirit. But maybe they didn't give you the answers that you wanted.
Let me point out that this letter writer is the person saying that the
Holy Spirit does not do a good job.
8. I'm not trying to say I'm better than you or anything, which I most
definately isn't.
Probably a smart move (especially with that grammar).
9. I believe that God created everyone equal.
Try to convince your English teacher of that one.
10. I believe that God sent His son Jesus to the earth so Jesus could die for our sins.
And the Superion government sent me to Earth to chastise you for your own
idiocy.
11. I don't care if you trash this letter,
That works out well for both of us.
12. I just want you to know that I was like you before.
You were? What happened? Were you kicked in the head by a mule?
13. I was mean, everyother word that came out of my mouth was a swearword,
I told lies, I cheated, I stole things.
Well then, you were nothing like me at all, you little hood. I don't do any of those things. Are you attempting to preach at me from prison, you little thief?
14. I just wanted you to know that. I'm sorry if any of this sounds mean. It's not meant to be mean or anything, it's just been a long day for me.
A long day of stealing, perhaps? Are you back to your old habits, Lefty?
15. I also pray that you will find enough courage to talk a christian about God, I know you will.
Ooooh, I'm so scared! I'm so scared to talk to a Christian about God! Where will I find the courage? I hope some semi-literate Mel Gibson fan will pray magic, courage-giving prayers for me!
16. If you ever feel stupid about it, don't it's just Satan.
Having never felt stupid, I'll take your word for it. You're the expert
on that one.
17.Remember "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, for the Lord your God is with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you."Deuteronomy 31:6.
Remember: "Thou be annoying and an idiot. Keep thine religion to thyself,
especially since thou art not very good at preaching it." - Zonar 2:24
bless thou,
Zonar the Superion
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