Each week, Zonar the Superion loves to give advice to a few lucky readers. To submit your question about relationships, careers, or what have you, CLICK HERE

Meet Zonar

Name: Zonar

Race: Superion

Home Planet: Superion

Flesh: Green

Eyes: Bulging and orange

Teeth: Pointy

Ingests: He says he just eats "atoms," and won't get more specific.

Interesting biological function: 100% efficient, the Superion body makes no waste products. This is something Zonar goes on about all the time, calling "lesser" beings "poop machines" or sometimes "toilet monkeys."

Interesting biological function #2: Zonar claims to be able to emit devistatingly painful mental rays from the top of his head.

Favorite TV show: Zonar says that television is beneath him, but we've spotted him watching "Murder, She Wrote" lots of times. At the end, he always shouts out "Ah HA! Just as I suspected!" but only after Angela Lansbury explains everything.

Previous employment: Space Cleansifying Engineer and Coordinator (spaceship janitor), playing Iago in the 1998 Royal Shakespeare production of "Othello"

Hobbies: Studying human biology, quilting, plotting intergalactic conquests, line dancing.

A note from Zonar: Dear Readers, this week, in honor of the impending human holiday of St. Valentine's Day, Ask Zonar brings you a special treat: An all-romance edition of my astonishingly enlightening column. Zonar has proven himself to be an authority on many things, but as so many fine ladies across the galaxy know, he his first and foremost an expert on love. Now, on to your moronic questions!

Dear Zonar.

There's this girl in my class who I really like, but she doesn't even know I exist. I've tried everything to get her attention, but nothing seems to work. I've keyed her car, thrown eggs at her house, and left obscene messages on her answering machine. I'm telling you. I've tried everything!

Now, you seem to be doing pretty good with the ladies, what's your secret? What, if anything, am I doing wrong?

Confused and Lonely

Dear Confused and Lonely,

First of all, please do not measure the success of you love-life against my own, that way lies madness. Still, I shall endeavor to assist you all the same.

It sounds like you've certainly made the initial steps correctly, but something else still isn't working. I know that, unlike Superions, human beings are frequently required to use special rooms in which they void the unprocessed portions of the foodstuffs they consume. This is called pooping. Is it possible you are pooping too frequently? Not frequently enough? In inappropriate places? Closely study the pooping habits of more successfully romantic humans and learn from them.

If this doesn't work, try throwing more of your eggs (by the by, I was unaware that humans laid eggs. See? Even Zonar can still learn! Stay in school, little poop machines!).

good luck,
Zonar the Superion

Dear Zonar,

I fell in love with a sexy Superion who used to be on a cable access show... I wanted to make sweet interplanetary love to him, but alas, I was disconnected when I called in. I have no way of contacting him, and I don't know what to do. Should I give up on him? Try to stalk him down somehow?

Zonar invades East Lansing Public Access television's Nightside
Maybe you can help me... my name is Minxy and I am from Minxar. My planet is full of Minxarians who, like you, are 100% biologically efficient. When I looked into this Superion's sexy eyes, I knew I wanted to make him happy in the only way I knew how... he had a son, but I was willing to give him a chance anyway.

What should I do, Zonar? He's all I can think about!


Dear Minxy,

Am I correct in remembering that Minxarians are known for being remarkably attractive as well as being 100% biologically efficient? I must be, as I am ever so rarely wrong.

Still, I think your next course of action is clear: before pursuing me - I mean this dashing Superion - any further, you must send him several photographs of yourself for close inspection. Probably, some of these photos should be in little outfits. Perhaps one in which you are dressed as Angela Lansbury. Ooh, perhaps one in which you are dressed as Angela Lansbury chastising me for being so naughty!

My eyes are lovely, aren't they.

Checking my mail frequently,
Zonar the Superion

Dear Zonar,

My boyfriend and I are very close, recently he moved. I didn't know what to do with myself. I carved his name in my ankle for want of him. I wondered if this reaction was unnatural. Have you ever carved anyone's name on your superon body? Please help!

Distressed Delinquent

Dear Distressed,

I have no intention of answering a question from someone who hasn't the courtesy to correctly spell and capitalize the name of my proud race: Superion!

Good luck. You most certainly shall have need of it.

Zonar the Superion

P.S.: Dash it all, try as I might I cannot let this foolish missive pass without further comment. Defile the Superion body with carvings? Never! I would vomit at the idea, were my Superion body not so perfectly created as to prevent such an occurrence!

Dear Zonar,

I harbor passionate feelings for you. And I am seeking to create offspring as well. What is your advice concerning procreation between alien races? It functioned during "V", and the offspring facilitated in the salvation of the Earth from the bad lizard lady. I would like my children to facilitate in the banishment of world hunger. Your digestive capabilities would aid in the salvation of our lowly human race. And your teeth really turn me on.

Thank you for your consideration of my request. And are you biodegradable?

passionately yours,
Phillip Beau

Dear Phillip,

The salvation of the lowly human race is a subject that holds absolutely no interest for this Superion. However, the making of sweet love to attractive ladies does.

For consideration of this, please see a few letters above re: photos, Angela Lansbury outfits.

Also, were we to make sweet love, odds are your inferior human form would not survive the experience.

Odds are you wouldn't mind.

checking mail again,
Zonar the Superion

Looking for past Zonar columns? CLICK HERE

Want Zonar to answer your question? E-mail it to zonar@capnwacky.com