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Zonar,
Do you find it funny when Southerners say "Iced Tea"? I do. Then again,
they usually refer to it as "Sweet Tea", though I believe they do this
only to avoid the faux pas of their mispronounciation. What do you
think?
Dear person who did not sign their missive,
I have not had the unfortunate experience of spending very much time in the southernmost states of your union, but I can guess what the result would be of the southerner's manglifications of the Queen's English on this particular colloquialism. So, indeed, I imagine I would react as though amused by this comical mismatch of sound an meaning.
The truth is, though, I am generally amused by the antics of your American south, even when they are not appearing to be asking for beverages summoned by posteriors. I always enjoy the hilarious stories of moonshine revelries, incestuous mating, the accidental removal of digits by novelty powder-based explosives, and illiteracy. Go get 'em, Duke boys!
yee-haw,
Zonar the Superion
Do you have any kids? I swear I saw a kid running around the other day that looked just like you...
Sincerely
Laura
Dear Laura,
Absolutely not! While your Earth tabloids and various lawsuits have tried to imply otherwise, Zonar the Superion has sired NO young! No matter what you may hear from the Olsen Twins, the kid with the big ears on Malcolm in the Middle, Zoney, or the dog on Fraiser, these are NOT my children. How many times do I have to say it?
Also, the last two letters seem to have forgotten that this is an advice column. My unsolicited advice: learn to read.
sincerely,
Zonar the Superion
WHY GOD WHY ITS EATING MY LEG OH GOD I'M GONNA DIE OH SHIT OH BUGGERING HORSECHUGGERS WHY IS IT EATING ME OH THANK GOD FOR TEXT MESSAGING WILL SOMEBODY HELP ME ALKDUDFASIASDKLJFHSDA
Again, NOT ASKING FOR ADVICE! Damn you, poop-machines!
love,
Zonar the Superion
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