Each week, Zonar the Superion loves to give advice to a few lucky readers. To submit your question about relationships, careers, or what have you, CLICK HERE

Mr. Zonar,

We moved to Grove Oklahoma in August since we have moved neither my husband or myself has had much luck in finding good paying jobs...... what does the future hold for us? Any idea what avenues to pursue in accomplishing this/

Dear jobless layabouts,

Have no fear, you have asked, and Zonar the Superion shall deliver. I have gone to great lengths to answer this query. Join me now, gentle dimwitted readers, as we travel together to Grove, Oklahoma. We go seeking employment, but we'll find ever so much more.

We begin our quest by using the most obvious tool at our disposal: The World Wide Web. While our employment-seekers were smart enough to use their inferior Earth-computers to contact me, perhaps they neglected to pursue more obvious avenues of information. So, I first looked into the employment section of The Grove Sun (http://www.grovesun.com - an odd title for a newspaper considering that towns in Oklahoma are heated by the same sun as the rest of the Earth, but you humans do have difficulties with galactic geography). There I found several possible options for human employment. A few examples:

oTELLER POSITION Available: Computer Skills, Outgoing Personality Bondable. Apply in Person: First National Bank of Grove, 600 S. Main. EOE.

I understand that some of you humans don't have computer skills nor outgoing personalities, but I have yet to meet a human that wasn't bondable. In fact, when the Superion Fleets arrive to overthrow the Earth, we intend to bond whole continents of people together and shoot them into the sun. With enough duct tape, any poop machine is bondable.

oHELP WANTED KITCHEN Help, Waitress and Hostess, Golden House - 540 W. 3rd St. - Lakeview Mall, Ask for Yong or Soo.

I don't know if you're interested in being a waiter or a waitress, but if after a bit you find you don't like this job, you could always just break off a chunk of the golden house and live off that for a while. Be careful Yong or Soo don't catch you, though.

oDANCERS/EXOTIC EXCELLENT Working Conditions. All tips kept. Call 918-533-2701 or 918-674-2221. Roadhouse Lounge in Quapaw.

Now this sounds promising. Who wouldn't want to work in conditions that can be described as both exotic and excellent? Also, apparently the management won't be constantly bothering you with dancing tips. They keep them to themselves.

Check out the home page for Precision Machine and Manufacturing in Grove ( http://www.precisiongrove.com/) . The site doesn’t say whether or not they’re hiring right now, but I have a suspicion they could at least use a web designer. Oh, I’ve seen uglier websites before, but not since www.nakedgeorgekennedy.com .

Not content to merely virtually visit Grove on my quest to find gainful employment for my readers, I decided to pay a visit to the town itself. I found the Grove Chamber of Commerce (http://www.groveok.org/) to be positively bloated with interesting information. Well, bloated with information, anyway.

Follow the community profile link to Monkey Island, the chamber site reads: "It is believed Monkey Island got its name when local residents became aware that, with the building of the Pensacola Dam, their area would be nearly surrounded by the lake waters. They began to joke that soon they would be just like the monkeys at the Tulsa Zoo who were kept on a small island surrounded by a moat, and the name stuck."

"Nearly surrounded" by water makes it nearly appropriate to call it an island. Also, it's full of humans which are nearly monkeys. You know, if they really wanted a name that would stick, I could have suggested a couple. Even though it isn't and island and doesn't have any monkeys, Monkey Island is "filled with unique gift and clothing shops, some visible from the street, some located within the resorts." Well, maw, we done seen all the gift stores there am here on the street- I wonders if they might be more hiding.

I join Grand Grove Opry Entertainment Director Bobby Poe onstage for a rendition of "This Isn't the Career I Dreamed Of When I Decided to be a Country Musician."
But the biggest draw in Grove had to be the Grand Grove Opry (http://www.grandgroveopry.com/) - before it closed, that is. But as the site assures us, "The Grand Grove Opry Cast - Oklahoma's Finest Traveling Country Music Show!’ lives on." With an exclamation point right in the middle of their name, you know this has to be true. I caught one of their shows and "enjoyed" the down-home "charm" of Clint Walker's (http://www.grandgroveopry.com/clint.html) toilet paper suit and Rhonda Dayringer's (http://www.grandgroveopry.com/rhonda.html) Monica Lewinsky imitation. Remember when R & B super-producer Babyface (http://www.grandgroveopry.com/babyface.html) had a hand in every Grammy winning hit a few years ago? Who ever thought he would wind up here and looking so different? Apparently he's been visiting Michael Jackson's surgeon.

Unfortunately, the show I saw was after they’d lost one of their biggest stars ? Melise Jow, who has gone on to bigger and better things. Shortly after this shot was taken, she was never seen again, but people in Grove were heard to comment in the coming weeks "these Big Macs are Melise-licious!"

Perhaps our readers could find work with this merry band of minstrels! Are you talented, innovative musicians and crowd-pleasing entertainers? If so, keep looking!

My last suggestion for those looking for work in Grove is to check with the fire-fighting clowns (http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Cottage/7800/). Dear God, do I even have to make a joke about this? No, I don't think I do.

So, dear readers, what is my final suggestion for those looking for work in Grove?


Snobbishly yours,
Zonar the Superion

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