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Occasionally, Zonar the Superion loves to give advice to a few lucky readers. To submit your question about relationships, careers, or what have you, CLICK HERE

Just why are we going to war again? I keep forgetting.
- joe raven

Dear Bird-Man,

First of all, I wouldn't even call it a war. When the Superion troops arrive, it will be a swift and decisive victorious invasion. The word "war" seems to imply you humans even have a possibility of inflicting a little damage and I think we all realize that's not going to happen.

As to why, do you worry about why when you swat a fly or step on an ant? Zonar thinks not!

Anticipating the eventual mayhem,
Zonar the Superion


I was wondering if I could get your input on how to deceive the sorceress Faydn, her mentor Balthazar, and H.R.H, the Queen. I succeeded in stealing the Red Stone (the source of their power), but unfortunately, the bumbling lout Sir Alexander, his wet-behind-the-ears squire, Thomas, and the sorceress Faydn stopped my coven and me from taking complete control of their kingdom.

Give me your advice as soon as possible.

Haylea, Head Sister of the Moon

Dear Dungeon Master,

I would suggest trying a death spell with +5 damage on your next turn and hope you get a high roll! Watch out for Bug Bears!

Seriously, darling, put down the bag of holding, walk out of the renaissance fair and try going on a date with a nice boy. Life is really too short. Well, inferior human lives anyway.

With pity,
Zonar the Superion

Dear Zonar,

Would you please come to my birthday party? The other children always break my presents and make me cry. I hate them all!

Sincerely, Wally E. Wallering Jr.

Dear Wally,

I hate them all too. And also you.

So, no.

Decliningly yours,
Zonar the Superion

Dear Zonar,

I seriously think Im a lesbian, but Im not really sure. What do you think? I constantly find myself look at other girls and picturing them naked. Is that wrong? What if I am a lesbian. What should I do?

Please help me out. Thanks.

Much love,
Riot Girl.

Dear Riot Girl,

Hmmm, hard to say. Your letter raises several questions. Once you picture the girls naked, does it make you want to hug and kiss them or flay the flesh from their bones? Do you also picture man-humans naked as well? Zonar finds himself thinking you should've supplied more information, but I will still try to make a determination of your genderical preferences based on the information provided alone.

Such is the power of Zonar's brain!

1. You sign your letter "Riot Girl." This is a somewhat lesbianic nomenclature, but using the traditional spelling rather than the more militant "Riot GRRL" dilutes the woman-love impact. Partial credit.

2. You seriously think you are a lesbian, but are not really sure. I think most purely hetero humans do not have such serious doubts. But are pure homosexuals so uncertain? Again, inconclusive.

3. You profess much love for Zonar, but then who doesn't? Yet again, unsure of results.

And yet even all this indecision is conclusive for Zonar: you are of a bi-sexual nature! You love everyone, but not in a Mother Theresa kind of way, more like a Michael Stipe kind of way.

Zonar the Superion

Hallo there, alien overlord,

Do you believe in magic? Not the foofy, prancy magic that kids with Tinkerbell wands proclaim exists, nor the frighteningly unrealistic version coming from such nonsense games as Dungeons and Dragons (those spell incantations aren't even CLOSE to correct. I understand why equipping your average, 300 pound twinkie-infested crap factory with such intricate and dangerous magics as Burning Hands could be called a lapse in judgement, but it's like they weren't even trying!). What I'm talking about is... well, it's easier to use myself as an example. Lately, things have been emerging from my subconcious... dark thoughts, images of things that should not be, words I cannot understand but cannot help but twist my very soul around. These waking dreams haunt me, torture my soul until I feel I'm on the brink of madness, like strange gods walking in my veins and oh lord they're calling again IA CTHULHU IA IA. I've begun experimenting, repeating those nightmare incantations as they come, following those instructions I cannot speak or know of, and I find... it's almost too much to speak, but I find those nightmares manifesting. Following those CTHULHU FH'TAGN horrible instructions caused a man to be IN THE HOUSE OF R'YLEH DEAD CTHULHU LIES DREAMING turned into a fish! A fish! And not even halibut! The horror of it!

Please, please, exorcise these nightmares made manifest, cleanse my mind of these words I cannot know- I mean...

Do you believe in magic?

Looking for that scroll,

Dear Nicole,

I do believe in magic... in a young girl's heart, how the music can free her, whenever it starts.

And it's magic, if the music is groovy. It makes Zonar feel happy like an old-time movie. Woudl that I could tell you about the magic, and it would free your inferior soul, but it's like trying to tell a stranger 'bout rock and roll.

The magic's in the music and the music's in me,
Zonar the Superion

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