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Each week, Zonar the Superion loves to give advice to a few lucky readers. To submit your question about relationships, careers, or what have you, CLICK HERE
WARNING: Today, Zonar is going to discuss the movie Signs. If you have not seen the movie and don't want to know plot details read this later. Seriously, Zonar couldn't care less about ruining it for you. He nasty.
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Hello, poop machines! Zonar here. Today, I'm going to dispense with the usual nonsense about answering your whiney pleas and talk about what I wish. I'm concerned, however, that departing the formula may blow everyone's tiny minds, so I'll write a fake letter in the style of a human so we can pretend I'm answering it. OK?
Dear Zonar,
Dud u see tha movey "Signs"? Did u lak it?
sinzerly,
A. Moron
Dear Moron,
Indeed, after several of your species informed me that they believed I would be particularly interested in this human-made offering of celluloid drivel, I finally acquiesced and purchased a ticket to a showing.
Signs is a movie starring Mel "Attack Force Z" Gibson, Joaquin "Clay Pigeons" Phoenix, and the latest product of the Culkin cloning facility (factory slogan: keeping up with the Wayenses). In short: the movie is the sort of steaming excrement that only humans could produce.
M. Night Shanana has created the latest speciestist alien-bash fest in a long line of Hollywood paranoia and inaccuracies. That's bad enough, but there is specific insult to Superions in this film and that must not stand!
First, the general: this movie involves a family under attack by hostile, hate-filled aliens who believe themselves superior to humans, invade the planet, and are repelled by rebellious humans with water. WATER! While it is accurate that many aliens are hostile and hate-filled toward humans, I object to the idea that humans could turn them away. so easily (or, in fact at all)! When the Superion Invasion Force arrives, you idiots better have something tougher in mind than shaking bottles of Clearly Canadian at us. Not that whatever you come up with will help.
The worst part of the movie, however, comes when the hillbilly family dons Superion Mental-Ray Focusing Helmets clearly modeled after the one I, Zonar the Superion, wear! Of course, they have no idea what they're for. They believe they will keep the aliens from reading their minds. Sorry, toilet monkeys, the fact that there's nothing to read will keep them from reading your minds - those helmets are for focusing mental rays on deserving victims. I promise to show you how it works should ever we meet.
Macaulay Culkin's little brother, River Phoenix's little brother, and some dewey-eyed hydrocephalic model unapproved Superion Mental Ray Focusing Helmet ripoffs.
And has Zonar seen dime one in royalties for having his chapeau copied so clearly? He has not! If they start marketing these things, M. Night is going to get and call from my lawyers - AND a head full of MENTAL RAYS!
This is the last straw. I've had it with you humans and your horrible earth entertainments. I've got some time to kill before the boot of Superion imperialism crushes this paltry blue orb, and I've decided to bring you down. Look for my new feature: Reviews of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing coming to this site soon. That'll learn you!
Seriously, don't mess with me.
Miffed,
Zonar the Superion
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