Zonar Store! Hats, T-Shirts, Cheap Tote Bags! Consume!

Each week, Zonar the Superion loves to give advice to a few lucky readers. To submit your question about relationships, careers, or what have you, CLICK HERE

And now, at long last, the results of Zonar's Spare Humanity Contest. Here's Zonar:

Thank you, thank you. Some small time ago, I asked you all to write in and suggest reasons why I shouldn't call forth the mighty Superion Invasion Force to destroy what passes for civilization here on this cess-bucket of a planet called Earth. Last week, I chastised the losing entries, and now the winner:

Meet Zonar

Name: Zonar

Race: Superion

Home Planet: Superion

Flesh: Green

Eyes: Bulging and orange

Teeth: Pointy

Ingests: He says he just eats "atoms," and won't get more specific.

Interesting biological function: 100% efficient, the Superion body makes no waste products. This is something Zonar goes on about all the time, calling "lesser" beings "poop machines" or sometimes "toilet monkeys."

Interesting biological function #2: Zonar claims to be able to emit devistatingly painful mental rays from the top of his head.

Favorite TV show: Zonar says that television is beneath him, but we've spotted him watching "Murder, She Wrote" lots of times. At the end, he always shouts out "Ah HA! Just as I suspected!" but only after Angela Lansbury explains everything.

Previous employment: Space Cleansifying Engineer and Coordinator (spaceship janitor), playing Iago in the 1998 Royal Shakespeare production of "Othello"

Hobbies: Studying human biology, quilting, plotting intergalactic conquests, line dancing.


Ten reasons not to lay the smackdown on Earth.

  • Angela Lansbury
    'Nuff said, loverboy?
  • Tuvan Throat Singing
    Both creepier and more beautiful than mental rays.
  • Nova
    Over twenty-five years of knowledge for everyone.
  • Emperor Norton I
    Also a self-proclaimed absolute monarch, also completely recyclable.
  • Wallace & Gromit
    Well, we think it's a good reason, anyway.
  • Japanese Candy
    Sweet delicious treats and hilariously malaprop-riddled wrappers.
  • Gardens
    Not the foofy French kind, either (although there's nothing wrong with that.)
  • Dark Rides
    Most reliable and most transparent excuse to cuddle, ever.
  • Pie
    Oh come on. Everyone loves pie.
  • Blackmail
    That's right, chief. Anything happens to us or our planet, this little package finds its way to both the Supreme Superion and your Grandma. So knock off the conquer-speak, capisce? Glad we could have this little talk.

    Your devoted readers, Thorn Silvertree and Rhett Ramirez

    Ah, sweet Angela. Hard to believe something so divine sprang forth from human womb. It's like one of you pooing eight times a day all your life and then suddenly secreting a diamond.

    So, anyway, that was the best attempt at convincing me to stay my allegorical hand. Winning writer, please select what you will from The Zonar Store, and tell me what you choose at zonar@capnwacky.com - I shall know you by your e-mail address!

    As I said, this was the best attempt at convincing me, BUT it was not nearly good enough! I have decided to call forth the Superion Invasion Force which, upon receiving my signal, shall immediately launch forth from the Superion home world on it's mission to destroy and/or enslave the human race!

    So long, you miserable bi-pedal miscreants! Bon voyage, commode jockeys! The thorn of you disgusting jerky-eating fart factories shall be removed from my side forever! Goodbye, poop machines!

    Due to its massive size and the distance between here and the Superion home world, it should take approximately 24,389.7 of your Earth years until the Invasion Force arrives.

    In the meantime, I'll have to find something to do to keep my amazing brain stimulated.


    Let's see...

    Who's up for shuffleboard?

    Zonar the Superion

    The losing letters? CLICK HERE

    Looking for past Zonar columns? CLICK HERE
    Or, special Grove, Oklahoma edition CLICK HERE
    Or, special Valentine's edition CLICK HERE

    Want Zonar to answer your question? E-mail it to zonar@capnwacky.com