February 2006 | Volume 1, Issue 2

There may only be 28 days in February, but remember: We still expect a full month's worth of work out of our employees! We don't want to be too strict about this, so we're letting each of you figure out if you prefer making up those extra hours before work, after business hours, during your designated lunch periods, or on the weekends (but make sure you check with your supervisor for approval!)

ITEM: Groundhog's Day already occurred on the 2nd of this month! While Amalgamated Humor doesn't own a groundhog, we do have Groundskeeper Sam Frawley, who kind of looks like a woodchuck, which we feel is close enough. When we woke him up after he passed out from huffing paint fumes in his shed, he DID see his own shadow. Whether this means more winter weather or not, I don't know, but it will mean six more weeks of Sam's paranoid screaming about centipedes crawling up his nostrils to steal his secret thoughts and carry them back to the government.

ITEM: With Valentine's Day right around the corner, looks like LOVE is already in the air around the corporate office! Word got out that Charlie Murchenson and Della West (both from the collections department) are romantically involved after they were caught two weeks ago fornicating in the copy room. Good luck, you two, and good luck finding new jobs. You're fired and you owe us a new copier.

ITEM: Sadly, Charlie and Linda Murchenson (both from the collections department) announced last week that they'll be getting a divorce after six years of wedlock. Too bad, guys. We thought you'd beat the odds!

ITEM: President's Day is coming this month too! Company Presidents Mr. Brockie and Mr. White will be expecting presents on the 20th!

THIS MONTH'S EMPLOYEE HEATH TIP from Human Resources head Dolly Saunders: Did you know a good night's sleep is the most important way to get prepared to be fresh and alert for the work day? That's why I suggest going to bed an hour after getting home from the office and waking up an hour before you come in. Some people gripe that they have other things to do during that time, but are those things really more important than putting in a good day at work? I DOUBT IT!

ITEM: I smell Chicken Pot Pie right now. That's weird.

THE PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS: Co-president Mr. White says, "Get back to work!"

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