Don't just survive, live to laugh again with the only Disaster Preparedness Kit endorsed by Cap'n Wacky himself! Whether you're holed up in the basement with loved ones because of a noxious gas, nuclear winter, or attack of irradiated giant lizard beasts, you'll want to make sure you have things that not only fill your stomach, but also fill the countless hours of inactivity with mirth!
WHAT TO DO: SImply pick up an official Amalgamated Humor Disaster Preparedness Kit at your local novelty goods retailer or hardware store. Then, clandestinely store it in place of a kit already prepared by a family member or the person you are only living with because the two of you are such failures that you cannot afford rent on your own. When it all hits the fan, they'll reach for their kit and be in for some hilarious surprises!
Beer nuts: Peanuts provide important protein needed for survival, but the spring-loaded (faux) snakes packed into these innocuous-looking tin jars provide shock and amusement! Yikes, snakes!
Red Green's Duct Tape Virtuoso - Everyone knows that a good disaster kit is packed to the gills with duct tape, so why not include this duct-tape based comedy DVD? We don't know how the Red Green writing staff is able to wring so many laughs out of so simple a product as duct tape, but thank whichever deity you choose that they do!
No-light candles - Our Amalgamated Humor scientists have developed a product that's the exact opposite of those annoying birthday candles that you can't blow out - these candles never light in the first place! You can just sit back and laugh yourself silly as you watch your fellow survivor light match after precious match, trying in vain to get one of these candles to light.
Cap'n Wacky's Bottled Water - It's bottled water - the Cap'n Wacky way! The Cap'n himself brought in this water from his most recent voyage, but you know what that means - this is ocean water! Watch your friends take a big swig and then spit it out in revulsion. Oh, that Cap'n! (NOTE: some Cap'n Wacky's Bottled Water may contain seaweed, marine life, coral, or medical waste products... all at no extra cost!)
Our canisters of nitrous oxide fit snugly in most standard-issue army surplus gas masks. Sarin? Who cares? You're having too much fun laughing the deadly vapors away!
It's important to have several changes of clothing. That's why each of our kits comes with several of our vintage "Don't blame me! I used four digits!" shirts left over from our Y2k Emergency Kits.
Remember to consider the needs of infants and the elderly. Our hot pepper novelty pacifiers and false teeth are perfect at both ends of the the age scale. They're weak and will go first, so why not let them enjoy those last few precious days?
Try our line of candies crafted to look just like popular prescription medicines! Your shelter/utility room-mate will delight to the surprise of mixed-berry or lemon flavor in place of that dull nitroglycerine pill taste. That's not heart failure- that's gratitude!
Fake news tape - When no one is looking, slip this cassette tape into your battery-powered radio. Then, call everyone over to listen to the latest "news." Try to keep your laughs on the inside as everyone else hears their worst possible fears come to life on this pre-recorded tape. Only you'll know it's all a joke! This just in - people are suckers!
Who needs those boring first-aid manuals or bibles? Included with our kit is a copy of Dora Wood's wildly popular paperback, "500 Wacky Knock-Knock Jokes." You can pass the time until the all-clear with knock-knock joke after knock-knock joke, until you won't be able to tell if you have radiation poisoning or your sides are splitting!
And much, much more! The Amalgamated Humor Disaster Preparedness Kit is available at a recommended retail price of $39.95 at most retail outlets. Hurry! People are panicking!