Amalgamated Humor's Disgruntled Employee of the Month

Each month, Amalgamated Humor's Public Relations specialist, Gary Newbrunswick, puts the spotlight on a valued member of the Amalgamated Humor corporate family. In addition to an extra vacation day and photo with a receptionist from the executive office, they also get a featured interview.

This month's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Gary Newbrunswick

Mr. BROCKIE: Well, Gary, congratulations on being the first person to be named Disgruntled Employee of the Month for a second time!

GARY NEWBRUNSWICK: Thank you, sir.

MR. B: And unlike the last time this honor was bestowed upon you, I'll be conducting the interview instead of you conducting it with yourself. Why, I remember reading that one like it was yesterday...

GN: Sir, why are you rubbing your chin like that?

MR. B: Oh, I thought we were going to do flashback clips for a second there.

GN: Oh.

MR. B: OK, so tell me a little bit about your job here at Amalgamated Humor, Corp.

GN: Uh... Amalgamated Humor, Inc.

MR. B: Whichever.

GN: Well, I'm the Vice President in charge of Public Relations.

MR. B: And why did the company decide to make the head of public relations a vice president? That seems unusual.

GN: Well, it was your idea sir.

MR. B: I see! Another great example of thinking outside the box!

GN: Right. You said something at the time about me having one of the most important positions in our company and how I'm constantly having to clean up the messes you make and sweep your various crimes and ineptitudes under the rug.

MR. B: Was that the month when I quit sugar?

GN: Yeah, I think it was.

MR. B: Toughest 30 days of my lift.

GN: Actually, you only lasted a week.

MR. B: Well, it felt like a month.

GN: Anyway, I'm kind of the public voice for the company. I talk to the press, send out company releases, coordinate our public image. Also, I do the Disgruntled Employee of the Month interviews for the website.

MR. B: Right. Every month?

GN: Every month, for over six years now.

MR. B: Wow, what's that like?

GN: It's terrible. I dread doing it every month. The weirdest damn things happen when I'm conducting these things. And honestly, the more members of our company I get to know, the less, uh... confident I feel about it... and about the country... and, frankly, about people in general.

MR. B: So, the short answer is: fun!

GN: No, not fun! Awful!

MR. B: So, you're saying it gives you a little variety.

GN: No, I'm saying I hate it. Please, let me stop!

MR. B: Stop complaining? Sure! Please do.

GN: No, please let me stop doing the Disgruntled Employee of the Month interviews. They're killing my soul.

MR. B: Hmm... well, Gary. On the one hand, you've been a loyal, hard-working, and competent employee for a long time now.

GN: Thank you sir. But...?

MR. B: On the other hand, I can't make these kinds of decisions myself. Not since I invested heavily in Pog futures a few years ago. Let me call my co-president.

(There is about 30 seconds of beeps and clicks.)

GN: Let me get that for you, sir.

MR. B: OK.

(5 seconds of beeps and clicks.)

MR. B: Hello, PJ?

MR. WHITE: What is it, Brockie, I'm a very busy man.

MR. B: I've got Gary Newbrunswick with me here, he's this month's Disgruntled Employee of the Month.

MR. W: Great. Who cares? Nobody reads that.

GN: Hello, sir.

MR. B: Did I mention we're on speaker phone.

MR. W: No, but I would've said it anyway.

MR. B: Gary wants to know if he can stop doing Disgruntled interviews.

MR. W: Fine.

MR. B: He said "fine", Gary.

GN: Thank you, sir. Thanks, both of you! What a relief!

MR. W: Oh, and Gary?

GN: Yes, sir?

MR. W: You're fired.

GN: I... what?

MR. W: Pack up your office and hit the road. We're not a company of slackers, Gary.

GN: Yes, we are!

MR. W: Well, we'll have one less slacker slacking up the joint now. The road, Gary. Hit it.


MR. B: So, Gary. Tell me: what's it like to be on the other end of one of these interviews?

GN: ...

MR. B: Gary?

GN: I... what just happened?

MR. B: Well, Gary seems a little stunned, folks. I suppose he's worried about how he's going to eat or something. Anyway, I'm sure if he could talk, he'd say something about thanking you for reading these interview for the last six years and wrap the whole thing up neatly or something, but since he's no longer an employee here, maybe we don't want him speaking for the company anyway. OK, I'm out of here before he starts crying.

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