Amalgamated Humor's Disgruntled Employee of the Month

Each month, Amalgamated Humor's Public Relations specialist, Gary Newbrunswick, puts the spotlight on a valued member of the Amalgamated Humor corporate family. In addition to an extra vacation day and photo with a receptionist from the executive office, they also get a featured interview.

November's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Kanka-Tanka Toooo

NOTE: With Gary Newbrunswick still on vacation and with his cell phone apparently turned off, we tracked down Amalgamated Humor Co-President Brodie H. Brockie to pick this month's Disgruntled Employee of the Month and conduct the interview. Here's what he gave us.

BRODIE H. BROCKIE: OK, first I have to summon him with his special chant: "Kanka-Tanka, Kanka-Tanka, Plinka-Planka Poooo. Plinka-Planka, Plinka-Planka, Kanka-Tanka Toooooooooooooooo!"

KANKA-TANKA TOOOO: Here I am, once again, coming to you, my special friend! Hey, where's my special friend?

Kanka-Tanka Toooo

BHB: Here I am, Kanka-Tanka Toooo!

KTT: AHH! What happened to you?

BHB: What do you mean?

KTT: You look different!

BHB: Ha ha, Kanka-Tanka Toooo! That's just me beard! I grew it this year.

KTT: And you're huge!

BHB: Oh, Kanka-Tanka Toooo, you kidder. Maybe I have put on a couple pounds lately, but I'm not HUGE!

KTT: Yes you are! You used to be the same size as me! Now you're over twice as big!

BHB: Oh, that! Well, Kanka-Tanka Toooo, I grew up. I'm a man now.

KTT: What? How? It happened so fast!

BHB: Well, not really. You see, I used to play with you before I went to school, and maybe once or twice during Kindergarten. Then I went to elementary school, and middle school, and high school...

KTT: And all this time, never calling Kanka-Tanka Toooo?

BHB: Then I went to college, and I've been out, oh, several years now. What have you been up to?

KTT: Nothing! To me, it's been just an eye blink since we last played together under falling autumn leaves. We laughed and laughed and ran in circles together for no reason and held hands as we jumped into a big pile of leaves!

BHB: Huh. Just an eye blink, Kanka-Tanka-Toooo?

KTT: Yes! I only exist when you need me, I only can feel when you call me! I'm your special imaginary friend, and I don't exist without you.

BHB: That's gotta be weird, right?

KTT: Please, let's go play! Look out the window, it's autumn again now! Let's go run through the leaves and kick them and climb trees and hold hands as we jump into leaf piles.

BHB: Eh, that doesn't sound like much fun, Kanka-Tanka Toooo.

KTT: Oh, but it is! You always loved it!

BHB: Yeah, but I've got a lot of work to do on getting the site ready again for our re-launch next year. Plus, there's all this paperwork piling up on my desk, and anyway those leaves look kinda dirty.

KTT: But we had fun! Let's have fun again!

BHB: Well, we could watch some TV later, if you want.

KTT: You don't need Kanka-Tanka Toooo to watch TV. Your attention would wander and I'd just disappear again. I remember that started to happen more and more when you were little.

BHB: Man, remember when we used to watch Lost in Space reruns in the summer after swimming?

KTT: I'd always disappear after about ten minutes.

BHB: Oh, that's too bad. They were pretty good, Kanka-Tanka Toooo.

KTT: I never cared for TV.

BHB: Well, you don't know what you're missing. OK, I guess this interview is long enough for the site now. Thanks for stopping by, Kanka-Tanka Toooo. Glad you could spare some time.

KTT: I can spare ALL my time! When you don't call me, I don't even exist! Please, don't send me back already! I'm scared I'll never come back!

BHB: Well, I do have a lot of other things I really need to get to. Sorry.

KTT: But what of, Kanka-Tanka Too?

BHB: I dunno. Hey, what happens to you if I die?

KTT: I don't think I'll even be able to tell the difference.

BHB: Huh, weird. Well, thanks again for helping me out, Kanka-Tanka Tooo.

KTT: I live to serve you.

BHB: OK. Bye Bye. Now Plinkity Plankity Pooooooooooo!

KTT: No! Wait I'm not -

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