November's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Mike Rogers
Gary Newbrunswick: Our Disgruntled Employee for this month is Mike Rogers-
Mike Rogers: This won't take too long, will it?
GN: I don't know, about fifteen minutes. Why?
MR: Well, I'm kind of busy. Busy time of year for me.
GN: Doing what? It says here you're a supervisor in the custodial division. So you're a janitor, then?
MR: No, my position is just in that department. My official title is Chronal Mechanics Engineer.
GN: Do the what now?
MR: You know when we have the daylight savings time and it switches back in the fall?
GN: Oh yeah- "fall forward, spring back."
MR: No, actually it's the other way around, but yes, that's my job.
GN: I suppose that makes sense, to have someone to coordinate that across all of our facilities, make sure everyone does it on time.
MR: Oh, I don't supervise it. I do it.
GN: Do what?
MR: Change the clocks.
GN: Here at headquarters, right?
MR: Nope. Every Amalgamated Humor facility across the country. From the largest factory to the smallest mall kiosk.
GN: Wow- that's gotta be at least a couple hundred clocks.
MR: 13,986, to be exact.
GN: And you do this all yourself.
MR: Yup. Takes awhile, too. Some outlets have to wait three months before they're back on correct time.
GN: Why don't people just change them themselves?
MR: Ohhh no. 'Fraid not.
MR: Those clocks and my job resetting them are the last vestiges of any unionization in this company. I get to spend six months out of the year flying around the country and staying in fancy hotels for moving hands on a clock in someone's office. The other six months I spend in my office napping. They'll have to pry it out of my dead hands, and I have it in writing.
GN: Oh, come on now-
(He hands Gary a crumpled piece of paper)
GN: Let's see "-until pried out of his dead hands, signed Jacob Linnell, Amalgamated Humor CEO, August 16, 1987." Wow.
MR: Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to hop a flight to the Honolulu office for two weeks of extensive clock resetting.
GN: Just one thing- how'd you get that signed?
MR: Let's just say I had certain photos in my posession.
GN: Eh, who didn't? How do you think I got my job? The schmuck was easier to blackmail than Brockie.