Amalgamated Humor's Disgruntled Employee of the Month

Each month, Amalgamated Humor's Public Relations specialist, Gary Newbrunswick, puts the spotlight on a valued member of the Amalgamated Humor corporate family. In addition to an extra vacation day and photo with a receptionist from the executive office, they also get a featured interview.

This month's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Theresa Morrow

GARY NEWBRUNSWICK: Congratulations, Theresa.


Theresa Morrow

GN: Tell us a little bit about what you do for Amalgamated Humor.

TM: OK, well... I'm a graphic designer.

GN: OK, so you design...

TM: Mostly I work on the packaging of products. How the boxes will look or -

(A loud banging sound is heard on the tape.)

MALE VOICE: You have to get out of here!

GN: What? Who the hell are you?

MALE VOICE: I'm Kal-El Coppola Cage!

TM: Who?

GN: Wait, isn't that Nicolas Cage's newborn baby's name?

KC: Yes, that's me!

GN: But you were just born this week!

KC: I know! It's all very complicated, but I'm that baby as an adult.

GN: What are you doing here?

KC: I flew around the Earth quickly to reverse the flow of time so I could come back there to avert a great disaster.

GN: No you didn't.

KC: Yes, I did!

GN: That doesn't make any sense.

TM: Yeah, wouldn't that just make the Earth go the other way? And, like, screw up the weather?

KC: No. Time goes backward.

GN: Look, even if I believed that (which I don't), why wouldn't you get younger too?

KC: I don't know. Because I'm the one affecting the change, I guess.

TM: I hate it when people use "affect" as a verb.

KC: You guys HAVE to get out of here!

GN: Hey, are you wearing a toupee?

TM: What happens if we don't get out of here.

KC: It's a long story.

GN: I've got time. Have you got time, Theresa?

TM: Yeah, I've got time.

KC: OK, the short version: Amalgamated Humor is about to be set on fire by one of your company's many, many enemies. During the rescue, Theresa here will be rescued by a firefighter with whom she will fall in love. Their child will grow up to be my arch-enemy. A horrible fiend who eventually bring this country to ruin!

TM: Really?

KC: Yes!

TM: So... what does this firefighter look like.

KC: I... what? Did you hear anything else I said?

GN: I did!

TM: I kind of drifted after the firefighter.

GN: Say, instead of getting us out early, why don't you just go stop the guy from setting the fire in the first place?

KC: Uh...

GN: Got you there, didn't I?

KC: OK, I'm out of here! Thanks!

(Sound of a door closing.)

TM: Hmmph. Thanks a LOT, Gary.

GN: Oh, relax. That's just Gary Schylling from production. He's kind of lost his mind ever since his wife left him.

TM: Oh. How sad.

GN: I guess so.

TM: Then... how come you gave him a hard time at first and then pretended to go along with him?

GN: I don't know. Breaks up the day a little.

Click Here for the Disgruntled Employee of the Month Archives