September's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Bertrand Kibbles.

Gary Newbrunswick: Congratulations, Bert.

BERTRAND KIBBLES: Thank you.

Bertrand Kibbles

GN: Now you're the Surprise Tester for Amalgamated Humor. The job title kind of makes it sound like it's your job to test various departments in the company without giving notice, but that's not it is it?

BK: No. Not at all.

GN: Explain your job to me.

BK: Well, Amalgamated Humor was originally formed as a manufacturer of novelty products, items predominantly used for practical jokes. Those still makes up a substantial percentage of the company's income and, since those products rely on the element of surprise, we have to make sure these products are surprising.

GN: OK, so you...

BK: I'm the guy they test the surprise factor on. I never have any idea what the R&D guys are working on. They just try to sneak products up on me and see if I'm surprised.

GN: That sounds kind of fun.

BK: Ha ha. Does it? Say, is this glass OK?

GN: What?

BK: This water you got me before the interview started. The glass is OK, right?

GN: Yeah, yeah.

BK: Not a dribble glass?

GN: No.

BK: OK, because I don't want this spilling all down me. I think we have enough data on the surprise factor of dribble glasses already.

GN: Yeah, OK.

BK: So IF ANYONE ELSE IS LISTENING we can stop with the dribble glasses now!

GN: Uh...

BK: Lemme just look at this thing... yeah, it looks OK.

GN: See? It was fine.

BK: Yeah, OK. Sorry.

GN: So you've been with the company how long now?

BK: Ten years.

GN: Wow, time flies, right? I realized you'd been here a while when I saw that picture of your son on your desk and he looked around five...

BK: He's six now.

GN: Wow, six. Seems like he was just born last year.

BK: Well, he wasn't. He was born six years ago. About nine months after the boys in R&D decided to test out the hilarious Leaky Condom they'd invented on me.

GN: Uh...

BK: Yeah, hilarious prank right?

GN: I've never heard of the Leaky Condom.

BK: No, you wouldn't have. The lawyers pulled the plug on that before it went into production.

GN: Oh.

BK: But not until AFTER testing.

GN: I see.

BK: And I can tell you, the surprise factor certainly worked!

GN: Uh... yeah.

BK: They test out all kinds of things on me that never actually go into - what are you doing?

GN: I was just making a note for myself to -

BK: Lemme see that pen.

GN: It's just a pen.

BK: Let me SEE it!

GN: OK.

BK: Uh huh. Nice try. I know what was going to happen when you clicked this tab here!

GN: Yeah, the writing tip was going to come out.

BK: Wrong, it was going to spray me! Like THIS!

GN: Uh...

BK: OK, maybe not. So maybe it's a normal pen.

GN: Yes.

BK: GAH! You see what this job has done to me? I'm completely paranoid!

GN: Yeah, I noticed that.

BK: God, help me.

GN: I... you know, we'd hate to lose you, but... I have to ask. If it's making you this crazy, why don't you quit?

BK: Damn it, Gary! I did quit! I quit three years ago, but they they kept at it anyway! They said that since I didn't think I was working here anymore that it made my surprise even more genuine. I tried to take other jobs, but I just panicked every time anyone brought me any paperwork or I had to use a stapler or anything. After four months I just gave in and came back.

GN: Wow.

BK: It's killing me, Gary, but that's OK, you know why?

GN: Uh... why?

BK: Because that's the only way out.

GN: uh...

BK: I wish I could be happy, man. I don't think it'll happen, though. That would be the real surprise, Gary. That would be the real surprise.

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