Amalgamated Humor's Disgruntled Employee of the Month

Each month, Amalgamated Humor's Public Relations specialist, Gary Newbrunswick, puts the spotlight on a valued member of the Amalgamated Humor corporate family. In addition to an extra vacation day and photo with a receptionist from the executive office, they also get a featured interview.

September's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Susan Wallace, Simmons Appriasals and Assessments, L.L.C.

Gary Newbrunswick: Hello, Ms. Wallace.

Susan Wallace
Amalgamated Humor Archives

Susan Wallace: Hello, Mr. Newbrunswick.

GN: So, Susan, what is it you do, exactly?

SW: Well, Gary, I travel around the country to various businesses at the behest of my company's clients and assess their worth, based on physical assets.

GN: Oh, um.

SW: I figure out how much money they're worth.

GN: Of course, of course! Well, we have a million dollar operation around here, eh?

SW: Actually, I wouldn't know, overall. I've only been assigned to check out the main office here. It's funny. I haven't seen furniture and equipment this outdated in awhile. I mean, I used to see things like this back in the 80s. You know your payroll department is using nothing but TRS-80s?

GN: That's a computer, right?

SW: Yes. A very old one.

GN: Well, you should have seen the adding machines they were using up until last March. Crybabies.

SW: And most of the furniture seems to be a bit out of date, too.

GN: Oh, it's retro!

SW: You picked it up from some sort of vintage...

GN: Oh, no- Jameson Office Supply had a huge firesale back in '84. Got the stuff dirt cheap. The chemical smoke odor's finally gone away, too. Good as new!

SW: Is that safe?

GN: I'm sure. And cost-effective!

SW: Um, it seems like a lot of things around here are reconditioned or second-hand.

GN: You bet! Mr. White's made it a company policy to never buy any new equipment of supplies if we don't have to. Saving money, keeping the bottom line intact, that's the key. Why, I wouldn't say most of the stuff around here is worth hardly anything.

SW: I noticed that. Even the construction of the building seems rather, well, frugal.

GN: Mr. Flimminhoffer, the company head years ago was able to talk the lowest bidding contractor down quite a ways, by threatening his family. Yup, the whole company's been founded on keeping things cheap and affordable. Heck, this whole facility can't be worth more than a hundred grand or so. Up, quite a steal.

SW: You don't say.

GN: So, how long have you been working for Amalgamated Humor?

SW: Hm? Oh, I don't.

GN: So, then, who do you work for? Why are you appraising the place?

SW: Um, just an interested party. Out of curiousity, nothing more. Oh, my. Is that the time? Well, I'd better get going.

GN: Woah, wait, hold on- interested party? What do you mean? Oh crap, they're going to kill me.

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