September's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Mark Nelson
Gary Newbrunswick: It's back to school time for kids around the country, so we thought we'd go for an educational theme this month by chatting with the head of Amalgamated Humor's recruitment program, Mark Nelson. Hello, Mark, thanks for doing this.
Mark Nelson: No problem, Gary. It's an honor just to be nominated. That's a little joke there.
GN: Uh, yeah. So, Mark, why don't you tell us what you do?
MN: Well, Gary, I coordinate programs with various educational institutions across the country that allow me to go in and make contact with those students who could be potential Amalgamated Humor employees. I let these students know about the benefits of working here, what we have to offer as an opportunity for a fulfilling career.
GN: Wow, how do you convince them?
MN: Pamphlets, videos, toys.
GN: Toys? Really?
MN: Oh, you'd be surprised. Picture books, too.
GN: Picture books....
MN: Oh yes, they love the picture books. Especially "Mr. Hoppy Goes To Work." That's always a crowd pleaser.
GN: Hold on- the college students like this sort of thing?
MN: College students? Oh, no Gary, not college students. (laughs) Please.
GN: So what sort of schools are you going to, then?
MN: You see, Gary, the corporate recruitment game is very competitive these days. When you try to get the seniors at university, all of the Fortune 500 corporations have already snapped them up. Hell, parents have colleges picked out for their kids when they're in third grade. That's why we beat 'em to the punch. We get in there at first and second grade and really hit hard.
GN: How do the kids know that young?
MN: Well, you just have to offer incentives and signing bonuses- extra juice, teddy bears, a kiss from some girl in the schoolyard without cooties, that sort of thing.
GN: What if they don't want to work for us when they get out of school?
MN: We just started the plan a couple of years ago, so we won't know if it works for about ten years or so, but the exclusivity agreements we sign with their parents helps quite a bit. Especially in places where Amalgamated Humor is pretty much the only employer in town.
GN: Of course.
MN: (pager goes off) Well, sorry to cut this short, but I have to go. I'm due at the Radmoor Montessori School. Really big presentation. Really really rich potential investor- I mean, parents.