Amalgamated Humor's Disgruntled Employee of the Month

Each month, Amalgamated Humor's Public Relations specialist, Gary Newbrunswick, puts the spotlight on a valued member of the Amalgamated Humor corporate family. In addition to an extra vacation day and photo with a receptionist from the executive office, they also get a featured interview.

August's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Cap'n Wacky

Gary Newbrunswick: Well, congratulations are certainly in order for our Disgruntled Employee of this month, none other than Cap'n Wacky himself. How do I sum up, briefly what you are? Corporate mascot, internet superstar, American legend...

Cap'n Wacky: Modern-Day Icon of Mythological Stature.

Cap'n Wacky and ex-girlfriend, the Chicken of the Sea Mermaid, visiting Sea World in happier times.

GN: Uh.... sure. Anyway, what's it like to be a fictional character created for the purposes of selling product for a giant corporation?

CW: Oh, 'tis a sweet life, it is. When you're a corporate mascot, everyone loves you. You're invited to all the best parties, you are. You meet all the beautiful people.

GN: Well, that brings up something I was hoping to get to...

CW: Oh boy. I knew this was coming, says I.

GN: Over the years, you've dated a number of other prominent celebrities...

CW: Aye.

GN: Especially other corporate mascots. At different times, you've been linked with the Land-O-Lakes butter girl...

CW: The finest legs I ever did see.

GN: The Chicken of the Sea Mermaid...

CW: No legs at all, but a beauty from the briny deep.

GN: Syrup maven Aunt Jemima...

CW: Sweet lady.

GN: Borden's Elsie the cow...

CW: Um... beautiful eyes.

GN: ...and The Jolly Green Giant.

CW: OK, but that was the 1960s. It was a crazy time.

GN: Right, but then...

CW: Yar. Then I realized I had to stop dating other corporate mascots. It just never works out, says I. I think you needs to be with someone who has something else to talk about.

GN: So then there were the actresses and the rock stars. You're not still with Courtney, right?

CW: Ha ha. No, no. That was brief, that was. No one can tame that she-devil.

GN: Who are you with now?

CW: You know, I think I've learned with time that maybe it's best not to talk so much about these things in public. I've found there's a reason that a private life is called "private" and it's better not to have every little relationship issue magnified by the eyes of the press.

GN: You're still messing around with the senator's wife, aren't you?

CW: Aye.

GN: OK, enough about your love life, let's move on to something else. How has the internet changed your life over the last four years?

CW: Well, one lucky day I responded to an e-mail about how I could enlarge my -

GN: I'm sorry, I meant how has changed your life since launching five years ago?

CW: OH! OK. Well, I think it's really helped keep things fresh. I think for a while there in the early 90s I was starting to get the stink of the retro icon about me, I was. To the kids I was starting to seem like something from their parents' day, like that sad sack Booberry did before the suicide. But the strong web presence has really made me hot again.

GN: I have noticed a lot of people in the hip hop community smoking pipes and calling eachother "cap'n" lately.

CW: Right, and meanwhile the young hipsters have really taken to the blue jackets with brass buttons. Have you heard The Strokes' song "Brass Buttons?" That's about me.

GN: The one with the lyrics "He's got brass buttons but they're covered in tarnish, used to be classy but now he's drinking varnish?"

CW: Yeah, that's the one! That be me!

GN: Man, I thought I smelled finishing. OK, changing the subject, let's talk about your nautical days.

CW: My what now?

GN: Your time at sea.

CW: Oh, my NAUTICAL days. Ain't you a fancy one!

GN: Anyway, how did you first become a captain?

CW: Cap'n.

GN: Right. How did you first become a captain?

CW: It's Cap'n, Gary. C-A-P apostrophe N.

GN: Isn't that just sort of a nickname for "captain."

CW: No, no. They're two different things. Is a psychiatrist the same as a psychologist?

GN: No.

CW: Is an optometrist the same as an optamologist?

GN: No.

CW: Is a physician the same as a medical doctor?

GN: Uh... yeah, I think so.

CW: Oh. Well, forget that one. Anyway, a captain and a cap'n are not the same thing.

GN: OK, well what's the difference?

CW: Oh, never mind, OK?

GN: I didn't mean to-

CW: I never finished getting my captain's degree, OK? Are ye satisfied now, you manta ray?

GN: Manta ray?

CW: You know, those fish that attach themselves to other fish and -

GN: I think you mean lamprey.

CW: Ohhh, rub it in now, why don't ye?

GN: Sorry.

CW: Say, I have a question for you.

GN: Oh yeah?

CW: When do it end?

GN: The interview? We're almost done.

CW: No, no. Not the interview. My indentured servitude.

GN: Uh...

CW: When will I be free to stop pedaling the ridiculous products and tomfoolery this company churns out week after week, year after year, decade after merciless decade? When will I finally be let loose of this obligation that haunts my lonely existence.

GN: Gee, um. I don't know. Anyway, I've got to get going. I've got a press release to go write and I think you have a personal appearance you're supposed to be making at a baby fashion show.

CW: Yar.

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