Amalgamated Humor's Disgruntled Employee of the Month

Each month, Amalgamated Humor's Public Relations specialist, Gary Newbrunswick, puts the spotlight on a valued member of the Amalgamated Humor corporate family. In addition to an extra vacation day and photo with a receptionist from the executive office, they also get a featured interview.

August's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Vincent Barrett

Gary Newbrunswick: Welcome, Vincent.

Vincent Barrett: Yes. Hello, Gary.

Vincent Barrett

GN: So, why don't you tell the folks out there what you do here?

VB: I keep track of inventory. What's in the different plants and facilties.

GN: Great.

VB: Yeah. Hm.

GN: You seem a bit nervous. Is everything okay?

VB: Yes. I mean... yes, yeah, fine.

GN: Okay, so how long-

VB: Okay, can we just get to it, already?

GN: Get to what?

VB: Firing me. Just cutting me out. My termination.

GN: What are you talking about?

VB: Oh, come off it, Newbrunswick. We're both adults here. I know.

GN: I honestly have no clue what you're talking about.

VB: Listen, just level with me? Is that too much to ask? Can't I have a little dignity in this? I've seen the closed-door meetings going on, I felt the kind of weird vibe in the air. I know what this is all about. I'm being fired. At least have the courtesy to let me take it like a man.

GN: Vincent, I don't know what you thought, but this is just an interview for-

VB: Right. Right, right right. Jesus, Newbrunswick, I expected more from you. I didn't think you'd just toy with me, like some sick game. Listen, you have to put in another word for me. I messed that order up last November, but come on, it was only three hundred extra dribble glasses! I mean, we got rid of most of the inventory during the holiday rush!

GN: Calm down, I'm just here to interview you.

VB: And I'm not buying what you're selling. Is this the way you management types do it? You get some sick gratification out of making it into some weird little scenario, then play it for all your buddies in the executive washroom?

GN: I don't think we even have an executive washroom...

VB: Lauren Banks.

GN: Pardon?

VB: Lauren Banks. Remember her?

GN: Yeah, I think so. She left, got a better job with some software company.

VB: Oh, nice. You're good, man. You know what? I call bull---t. That's like telling Billy that the dog's been taken out to live on a farm. It's a big, fat lie and you're just towing the party line. She was canned, man. I know the truth- heads are rolling left and right around here and I'm next!

GN: -sigh- Listen to me. This is a feature we do on the web site. I interview an employee every month, you get your picture up there, you....

VB: Come on! Web site? Listen to yourself, Gary! Listen to what you're saying! Who the hell would fall for that crap. Just come on- right now. Be a man. Treat me like a man. Just have the damn guts to do what you came here to do.

GN: I'm trying. You aren't an easy interview.

VB: What's the matter Gary? Can't do it? Can't look into the calf's eyes before you put it up on the old butcher block, huh? Listen, Gary, I'll level with you. You gotta go back to them and get me another chance. It's Cindy. Things haven't been so smooth lately and I think she'll take the kids, I honestly do. Please, man, please.

GN: Here- get up... stop begging. God, fine. Okay. I'll tell them not to fire you, alright? Happy?

VB: You'd- you'd do that? Gary- I- I don't know what to say.

GN: Nothing, really. Seeing as how YOU WEREN'T GOING TO BE FIRED.

VB: Huh? Ohhh... yeah... right, Gary. Good. Heh. We'd better get on with the "interview," then right?

GN: Hnhh. Sure. So, how long have you worked here?

VB: Twelve yea-

(door opens, Mr. White sticks his head in)

Mr. White: Gary. And it's Barrett, right?

VB: Yes, Mr. White.

MW: Have you been crying, Barrett?

VB: Huh? Well, um, a little, I guess...

MW: Hm. Can't have that in our comapny. Belies a weakness. Be off the premises by 4:30.

(Mr. White leaves)

GN: Well. What do you know about that?

VB: Oh god... oh no... my life... Cindy.

GN: Um, yeah. So, I guess I'd better be going, then. Uh, good luck, there.

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