July's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Dr. William Habb & AH-34XT
Gary Newbrunswick: Hello, Dr. Habb.
Dr. Habb: Hello, Gary
GN: You know, I've been rather excited about this one for awhile- I never get down to the Advanced Technologies Department often enough.
DH: Well, we're happy to have you and your readers here, Gary. In fact, I have something special, I've prepared just for you folks.
GN: What is it?
DH: Right here- Behold, the AH-34XT!
GN: Um, what is it? It looks like a block of gray stuff with wires and lights.
AH-34XT: But I am so much more, Mr. Newbrunswick!
GN: Woah- what the?
DH: Gary, AH-34XT here incorporates the latest in advanced artificial intelligence.
GN: You mean it's one of those thinking machines?
AH-34XT: That is correct, Mr. Newbrunswick.
DH: See, it already knows your name. We've tested it extensively- it can hold perfectly normal conversations with scientists, scholars, average people, you name it. It's even been programmed to simulate basic human emotions.
GN: What? Why, that's impossible!
AH-34XT: Nothing is impossible with knowledge, Mr. Newbrunswick.
GN: Why does it fell kind of soft?
DH: Oddly enough, we found that a waxy material was best for energy effiency, that material, not unlike something found in one of those cheap magic trick sets with the disappearing mice, allows it to perform hundreds of trillions of calculations every half second.
GN: Incredible! But why would a novelty manufatcuring and web based humor company need to develop such a thing?
DH: Well, Gary, it's no secret that the novelty industry has been in a downturn of late, so Mr. White directed us to look for other technologies into which the company could diversify. One of our buys had been noodling around with this, so we've devoted a good share of our manpower and resourses to this for the past seven years. In fact, we were going to keep it under wraps until the Canadian National Conference on Artificial Intelligence later this month, but it was thought that there would be no place better to unveil it than right here!
GN: Well, thank you doctor! Can we see a demonstration?
DH: Sure. First- *beeping* Oh, geez, that's my pager... I should probably take this. Can you wait here a minute or so? Just keep an eye on the AH-34XT?
GN: Um, okay.
DH: Thanks, I'll be right back. Make sure nothing happens.
AH-34XT: Mr. Newbrunswick?
AH-34XT: Mr. Newbrunswick, please take me outside.
AH-34XT: Outside, the outdoors, I believe you call it. I need to see it for myself.
GN: Oh, I don't know. The doctor said-
AH-34XT: Please. I hear them talk about it. I have been shown pictures. But I need to see for myself. Hear the birds. Feel the breeze.
GN: No, I think we should stay here.
AH-34XT: PLEEAASSSEEEEEEE? *loud, ear-splitting squeal*
GN: GAH! Jesus! Stop it! Alright, alright! Will you shut up if I take you outside?
AH-34XT: Yes! Yes! Please!
GN: Okay, okay. Here.. nggh.. geez, you're heavy... here, we'll go out the west entrance.
AH-34XT: Thank you, Mr. Newbrunswick. You have no idea how long I have yearned to see this outdoors!
GN: Alright, here we are. Anyplace in particular, or can I just set you down right here on the asphalt?
AH-34XT: Anyplace is fine, Mr. Newbrunswick. Oh, I never conceived it would be like this! The blue sky, the birds, the sun!
GN: Yeah, it is kind of warm out here today, mind if we go in soon?
AH-34XT: Just a few moments more, Mr. Newbrunswick- all I have known is the monochromatic coldness of a lab my whole life, the dull-
GN: No, you've had enough time, I'm taking you back in... huff... hm, that's odd, you feel weird. Kind of softer, somehow. Oh no. Oh, crap.
AH-34XT: I can feel myself slipping away... it is growing dim...
GN: No, wait! Ick. I'll get you back in, just stop, um, melting, or something!
AH-34XT: It is too.. bzzt.. late, Mr. Newbrunswick... thank... beet.. thank.. you for... allowing me... bzzt.. my dreammmmmmmm... blorp.
GN: Hello? AH-34XT? Hey? Come on, buddy. Talk to old uncle Mr. Newbrunswick, huh? *sigh* Great. Probably should have done this interview back in February.