July's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Hal Meeks
Gary Newbrunswick: This month we have a man with a very important job. On a daily basis, he has to make life and death decisions for countless individuals- Amalgamated Humor Company Pool Lifeguard, Hal Meeks.
Hal Meeks: Oh, I wouldn't say countless, Gary.
GN: Come on, you're being modest. How many lives have you saved?
HM: Not many, really. The pool isn't used that much.
GN: Come to think of it, I've never used it. Where is it exactly?
HM: Building J, section 9-G.
GN: Where's that?
HM: You know the cafeteria?
HM: Underground, about six stories beneath that.
GN: Wow. Who goes down there?
HM: Oh, usually just Mr. White and Mr. Brockie. And a few special invited guests.
GN: See, now, I thought it was a pool for the employees to use-
HM: Oh, it is- we open it up for a quarter of the lunch hour on a day in mid-June each year.
GN: Really? I never heard about that.
HM: Mr. White and Brockie try not to publicize it too much. You've never been there? Never been invited?
GN: No, never.
HM: Hm. Well. One would think, with such a high position, they would have at least asked you, of all people.
GN: Well- maybe they haven't gotten around to it yet.
HM: I suppose. Still, though...
GN: Anyway, moving along, what are your duties as- now, have they ever mentioned me? Like, say "Boy you know who likes the smell of chlorine? Good ol' Gary. Yessir!" They never said anything like that?
HM: Nope. Not that I can recall.
GN Who's been down there?
HM: Let's see- Ms. Vavoom, Gavin MacLeod, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, Henry Kissinger, Mike Burton- Bunting- something like that?
GN: Mike Barton? The head of the accounting department? That twerp?
HM: Yup, that's him. Brought his whole family. Mr. Brockie invited them all onto his yacht the next day. Heck of a nice guy.
GN: Barton. They invite Barton. I've been with this company for twenty-one years, put a good spin on every damn evil thing they've done, hid that whole incident with Flimminhoffer's son and the stripper and this is the thanks I get?
HM: Um, it's not that big a deal. It's just a little swimming pool, some barbecueing, that's it. It's no big deal.
GN: Really? Yeah, I guess you're right.
HM: Don't worry, maybe they'll invite you to the next one. You can carpool with your assistant.
GN: Nolan? They invited Nolan Willis?
HM: Yeah, that's the guy- Mr. White said he was pretty bright, should shake things up real good in the Public relations department. Um, Gary?
GN: The interview's over!!
[at this point, only loud sobbing can be heard on the tape]