June's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Arlene Juarez
Gary Newbrunswick: Congratulations, Arlene. Tell us what you do here.
Arlene Juarez: I restock all the vending machines here at the corporate headquarters.
GN: Don't most companies have people come in to do that from outside? Some sort of vending service or the snack manufacturer's themselves?
AJ: They do, but Mr. Brockie's a little too paranoid to let anyone from outside the company handle his snacks, especially after last year.
GN: What with the Anthrax scare?
AJ: And the robot kitties.
GN: Oh yeah. Well, Mr. Brockie is fond of his snacks.
AJ: He's not alone, this company puts away the snackage like they're storing up fat for a famine.
GN: Well, there is a problem with obesity nationwide.
AJ: Yeah, but I think this place is bringing up that average.
GN: You think we're so fat we're skewing the numbers?
AJ: You ever eat in the company cafeteria, Gary?
GN: I try not to.
AJ: I can understand that.
GN: What are some of the more popular items?
AJ: You want brand names?
GN: Hell no, not unless we're getting paid for it. Just give me the generals.
AJ: Well, the chocolate bars are the big ones. Especially the ones with lots of other stuff crammed in like nougat and caramel and various other sugar-packed substances.
GN: Now I'm getting hungry.
AJ: Anything with whipped lard comes in a close second. Cupcakes, cake rolls, donuts, crab, sausages - as long as there's whipped lard in the middle people love it.
GN: Oh, yeah...
AJ: Then there's the chips. Fried, salted, and ready to kill. People love those too.
GN: Hey, what about those low-fat Olean and Olestra chips? Those are better for you, right?
AJ: Mr. White made us stop stocking those when bathroom breaks went up 60%.
GN: I see. What are the low-sellers?
AJ: Well, most low-sellers don't last very long. We switch them out in favor of the big sellers. No fat pretzels? Gone. Unsalted nuts? Gone. We do still have Nutri-yum Healthy Granola Bars.
GN: Hey, I thought I said no brand names!
AJ: It doesn't matter. The company has been out of business since 1984.
AJ: You heard me. 1984.
GN: But we still have some in our vending machines?
AJ: Yup. I leave them there for my own amusement. I just think it's funny to see them sit there while the junkfood just flies past it.
GN: But, what if someone actually ate one? That stuff could kill them!
AJ: Oh, Gary. You haven't been listening to me at all.