Amalgamated Humor's Disgruntled Employee of the Month

Each month, Amalgamated Humor's Public Relations specialist, Gary Newbrunswick, puts the spotlight on a valued member of the Amalgamated Humor corporate family. In addition to an extra vacation day and photo with a receptionist from the executive office, they also get a featured interview.

June's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Arlene Juarez

Arlene Juarez

Gary Newbrunswick: Congratulations, Arlene. Tell us what you do here.

Arlene Juarez: I restock all the vending machines here at the corporate headquarters.

GN: Don't most companies have people come in to do that from outside? Some sort of vending service or the snack manufacturer's themselves?

AJ: They do, but Mr. Brockie's a little too paranoid to let anyone from outside the company handle his snacks, especially after last year.

GN: What with the Anthrax scare?

AJ: And the robot kitties.

GN: Oh yeah. Well, Mr. Brockie is fond of his snacks.

AJ: He's not alone, this company puts away the snackage like they're storing up fat for a famine.

GN: Well, there is a problem with obesity nationwide.

AJ: Yeah, but I think this place is bringing up that average.

GN: You think we're so fat we're skewing the numbers?

AJ: You ever eat in the company cafeteria, Gary?

GN: I try not to.

AJ: I can understand that.

GN: What are some of the more popular items?

AJ: You want brand names?

GN: Hell no, not unless we're getting paid for it. Just give me the generals.

AJ: Well, the chocolate bars are the big ones. Especially the ones with lots of other stuff crammed in like nougat and caramel and various other sugar-packed substances.

GN: Now I'm getting hungry.

AJ: Anything with whipped lard comes in a close second. Cupcakes, cake rolls, donuts, crab, sausages - as long as there's whipped lard in the middle people love it.

GN: Oh, yeah...

AJ: Then there's the chips. Fried, salted, and ready to kill. People love those too.

GN: Hey, what about those low-fat Olean and Olestra chips? Those are better for you, right?

AJ: Mr. White made us stop stocking those when bathroom breaks went up 60%.

GN: I see. What are the low-sellers?

AJ: Well, most low-sellers don't last very long. We switch them out in favor of the big sellers. No fat pretzels? Gone. Unsalted nuts? Gone. We do still have Nutri-yum Healthy Granola Bars.

GN: Hey, I thought I said no brand names!

AJ: It doesn't matter. The company has been out of business since 1984.

GN: What?

AJ: You heard me. 1984.

GN: But we still have some in our vending machines?

AJ: Yup. I leave them there for my own amusement. I just think it's funny to see them sit there while the junkfood just flies past it.

GN: But, what if someone actually ate one? That stuff could kill them!

AJ: Oh, Gary. You haven't been listening to me at all.

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