May's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Alan Stippel
Gary Newbrunswick: So, Alan, tell us what you do in the research department.
Alan Stippel: You don't remember me, do you Newbrunswick?
GN: What?
AS: You don't remember me.
GN: What do you mean? From the last twelve years you've worked here? From lunch Tuesday?
AS: No, you fool. Earlier. In the distant past!
GN: Listen, I don't know what you're-
AS: Edwards High, class of 1979?
GN: Hm? Yeah, that's my high school and when I graduated. How did -
AS: How soon we forget, Gary. How soon we forget.
GN: Forget what? That was 24 years ago.
AS: Are you sure you don't remember me, Newbrunswick?
GN: Did we go to school together? I thought you grew up outside of Chicago...
AS: A clever ruse, Newbrunswick, all calculated to this moment. All leading to-
GN: Wow, Alan. I had no idea. How come you never brought this up before?
AS: All part of the plan! Now, as I was saying. Are you sure you don't remember a certain unpopular young man by the name of Alan (pause) Stempel?
GN: Geez, no. Can't say I can. So, who did you have for senior English? Mrs. Cooley? Man, she was tough.
AS: Shut up - you don't remember me at all?
GN: Stempel was your name back then? No, I guess I don't. Why'd you change it?
AS: Why, Gary? So you wouldn't see my revenge coming. So my plan could unfold without detection. So that I could have my victory on this day!
GN: Revenge for what?
AS: A cold Wednesday in late 1978. A young man named Alan Stempel waits in line to get his beef stroganoff in the cafeteria. He slips on a small puddle of gravy and falls, spilling his mashed potatoes all over his brand new sweater. Amongst the laughter from his cruel classmates he hears one in particular yell "Stempel? More like Alan Stumble!" From that day forth, until the end of his high school career I was branded with that name. Alan Stumble. The one who gave me that name? You, Gary Newbrunswick.
GN: Oh.
AS: From that day forward, I made it my mission in life to follow you, waiting for the right moment. Getting a job here and laying a false foundation of trust for all of these years was the capstone to my plan. Today, I finally exact my revenge for that cold, bitter day.
GN: Wow. Sorry, I just don't remember any of that.
AS: Too bad! This is the day of your reckoning!
GN: I'm sorry, Alan. I guess I was kind of a jerk back then.
AS: Now you shall finally know the extent of- what? You're sorry?
GN: Yeah, I'm not proud of some of the things I did back then. I guess it was just the whole teenage guy jerkass syndrome. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or anything.
AS: Oh. Um, I, uh... oh hell. I hadn't planned on this.
GN: Did I ruin your whole revenge thing?
AS: What? Kind of... I mean, no - it's okay. I mean, hell, you apologized. I guess that's what I was going for.
GN: Aw, see - here, you had this elaborate decades-long scheme and now it's nothing. You still want to go through with it?
AS: No! No, no. That wouldn't be right. I didn't really have anything good, anyway.
GN: Are you sure?
AS: Yeah, seriously. I was just going to call you some names or something. This interview thing came up rather quickly and I hadn't gotten to the whole endgame part of it.
GN: You're sure it's okay?
AS: Yeah, yeah - it's cool.
GN: Okay. (pause) So, the advertising department's good, then?
AS: Hm? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's fine.
Alan Stippel
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