May's Disgruntled Employee of the Month: Marcy Hansen
Gary Newbrunswick: So, you're in charge of foodservice, right?
Marcy Hansen: That's right, Gary. From this kitchen, we oversee the feeding of over five thousand employees of-
GN: Yeah, great. Say, how about this refrigerator over there? That big one. Can we go in?
MH: Sure, okay. Interesting that you wanted to get a closer look at this unit. In the entire state, there are only-
(door clicks shut)
GN: Uh-oh. Looks like we're locked in the cooler. It will be at least half an hour before anyone can rescue us.
MH: Well, actually-
GN: You know, this reminds me of the time....
Horace Tambor (Wearer of Cap'n Wacky costume): ... Cap'n Wacky is always in demand.
GN: You look like you're in very good shape. Does the job demand that?
HT: The job doesn't just demand it, the job ensures it. The entire costume is carved out of wood, to match the statue outside of corporate headquarters, so it's pretty heavy.
GN: How much does it weigh?
HT: You know, I've never actually put it on a scale to find out for sure. My old job was as a personal rickshaw for comedian/fat guy Louis Anderson, and he was slightly lighter than the suit...
GN: Ha-ha-ha, boy that sure was an interview. Remember that?
MH: No. Now, if-
GN: You know, if Thor, the Thunder God were here, he'd have that door open in a jif, don't you think...
GN: ... and are you still a god then?
Thor: Of course, foolish mortal. Can you not sense the power and majesty of my very being well in my presence?
GN: Uh, not really, but I kind of have a cold right now. Anyway, how much do you get paid there in the loading/unloading area?
T: Nearly double that of the minimum wage for I am the mightiest of all manual laborers...
GN: Not many interviewers can hold their own in the presence of an Asgardian god, let me tell you.
MH: Yeah. I'll bet. Now-
GN: Yup, a situation like this can make a man think about the early days. The early days of school, perhaps...
Pam Wilson (Head of Daycare): ... well, I just opened the kids minds to the possibility that maybe, let me repeat that last word, maybe the NASA moon landing was a hoax.
PW: Right, and if I happened to state that it was my particular inclination that said lunar landing was in fact a hoax and part of a larger government conspiracy to divert our attention from funds that were not being spent on the space program, but instead on genetically engineering a race of super soldiers who only needed to eat once a day and void their waste products once a week, I don't see how that's a big problem.
GN: You don't.
PW: No. I didn't say these things were facts. I said they were also possibilities. Valid possibilities that could not be disproved and which I happened to believe in. Deeply.
GN: Oh dear...
MH: Wow, that was a clumsy one.
GN: Whatever do you mean?
MH: -sigh- Never mind. Now, let's just-
GN: You know, I wonder when the last time was someone got locked in a cooler here at Amalgamated Humor. I'll bet someone knows...
MH: Oh, for crying out-
Dana Brean (Amalg. Humor historian): ... Ichabod White's memo that wasn't allowed into evidence in the wrongful death suit Mr. Brockie's heirs brought against the company in 1951? I've got it.
GN: How much of this stuff do you have?
DB: Oh, let's see. I think approximately 48,635 separate items.
GN: You're kidding me! Where do you get it all?
DB: Well, stuff that was going to be thrown out, flea markets, auctions, hitting relatives up after people die, that sort of thing. My mom doesn't mind. there's just the two of us, and it's a big house.
GN: That explains a lot...
GN: "That explains a lot." Oh-ho-ho. Yup. Heh. -sigh- He's dead, now. How about the time...
MH: Listen to me, will you? We're not locked in here at all. I've been trying to tell you that for the past twenty minutes, but you keep going into these damn flashbacks.
GN: You sure we're not locked in?
MH: Yes, I'm sure. Jesus. We had safety latches installed, after what happened to those schoolchildren a few years ago.
MH: You didn't even want to interview me, did you? You just wanted to use me and my facility as a clumsy vehicle for a sweeps month clip show, didn't you?
GN: What? pfft. No, of course not! Clip show? Don't be silly! No! You're the pick this month, really! So, uh, foodservice, huh? You, um, go shopping, or something?
MH: Screw this. I have work to do.
GN: Hey, don't be upset! I'll probably use clips from this one in the fall. Hey, that's not a nice gesture...