May 11, 2001

Greetings, Earthlings. This is Amalgamated Humor Co-President Brodie H. Brockie, having returned to this big blue marble following my sojourn in space last week. Well, it was a heck of a trip, but to quote the great philosopher Dorothy Gale, "There's no place like home."

A few observations, comments about my time in the void beyond our atmosphere:

1. No pod people. We didn't encounter a single form of alien life - hostile or friendly. Frankly I was hoping for some kind of adventure and maybe getting my Captain Kirk on with some blue-skinned babe, but no such luck.

2. It rains in space. Frankly, I was really surprised by this. A few nights ago, I heard what sounded exactly like the patter of raindrops on the roof of our vessel. At first I though perhaps we had bumped into a meteor shower, but a little later I felt the roof and it was damp! Even Zonar was surprised by this.

3. Einstein was right! The great thinker once stated that beings traveling great speeds through space would not age. I am convinced now that he was correct. After close to a week in space, I feel exactly the same age I was when I left. I'm like a relic form another era! I'm like Captain America coming out of the ice! Avengers Assemble!

4. No matter how much astronaut ice cream you eat, you never get sick of it.

So, all in all, I'd say that was a pretty productive trip. I don't hear Dennis Tito talking about similar scientific discoveries he made while in space. Take that, Tito! And one other thing about that first (big deal) tourist in space. I know Tito Jackson. I've partied with Tito Jackson. And Dennis Tito, you are no Tito Jackson.

Well, now it's back to running my multi-million dollar business. I hope things were steady in my absence. If you ever get the chance, I highly recommend a journey to space. In the meantime, just rent "Space Camp." That's pretty good too.

|May 4, 2001|