December 27, 2002
Aloha, Wackiteers. VP of PR Gary Newbrunswick here. Itıs been another eventful year here at the Amalgamated Humor offices. Hereıs a quick re-cap of some of our highlights and lowlights for 2002:
JANUARY: Following the attack of a herd of killer Robot Kitties at the end of 2001, we repair our offices and bury our dead. Well, actually we donıt bury the dead right away. I mean, the ground is really, really cold in January in Michigan, so for a while we had to store the bodies in the cafeteria meat locker. Maybe not the ideal solution, but I still swear all stories about post-mortem puppet shows are complete fabrications.
FEBRUARY: Love is in the air around our offices. Our always-popular Gallery of Unfortunate Valentines gets a lot of attention again, and Amalgamated Humor Co-President RJ White announced his engagement to Patty LaBelle.
MARCH: Capın Wacky gets trounced in the first round by the washed-up pets.com sock puppet dog in Foxıs Celebrity Boxing.
APRIL: Amalgamated Humor Human Resources director Dolly Saunders thinks a hilarious April Fools Day joke is to send pink slips to everyone in the company. Most of the staff remembers she tried the same prank the year before, so the number of suicides is much lower this time.
MAY: Amalgamated Humor Co-President Brodie H. Brockie sees the Spider-Man movie 14 times in the theaters and begins to lose his already tenuous grip on reality. He takes a bath in a tub filled with live spiders in hopes that one of them will bite him and give him powers just like Spider-Man. Instead he just gets covered in bites and gains the power to drive everybody nuts by whining how much it itches all the time.
JUNE: Patty LaBelle leaves RJ White for Russell Crowe.
JULY: At the annual company picnic, geriatric mailroom clerk Gordy Schwartz misunderstands why a certain event is named "the three legged-race." After seeing more of the old man than anyone wanted to, several servings of my very own tuna casserole are violently vomited to the ground.
AUGUST: Capın Wackyıs Boatload of Fun turns three years old. The website is now able to talk in complete sentences and is 85% potty trained.
SEPTEMBER: Cranky alien Zonar the Superion starts his new feature: Reviews of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing, an even easier crutch to turn to when we have no idea what else to update than his advice column.
OCTOBER: Nothing happened of any real interest in October. Oh sure, I could make some story or other just to fill the gap and complete the 12 months, but I wouldnıt do that to you. It wouldnıt be honest and it wouldnıt be right. Some months are just quieter than others, and thatıs just how this one shook out for us.
NOVEMBER: Spider-Man is released on DVD and we go through the same crap with Mr. Brockie as we did in May.
DECEMBER: Amalgamated Humor Vice President in Charge of Public Relations Gary Newbrunswick looks back at the year with mediocre results.